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solongsun April 8, 1970: the day of the Ten-Roku gas explosion, and the day that 22-year-old Ruki attempts to end his life. Less than two weeks later, he finds himself committed to the Yamauchi Hostel, a psychiatric hospital in the Kyoto hills. Kept on a ward with a number of other ill young men, Ruki is sometimes frightened and sometimes enthralled by his new friends – and none more other than the 'untreatable' Kyo, whose hospitalisation hides a legacy of dark secrets...
It was hard for Ruki to put into words why, but after that day on the hilltop, he began to avoid Kyo. It wasn't just that he felt awkward around him, though that was certainly a part of it, but more that he felt almost a little scared of him.
Or not of him, not exactly. It was more that he felt scared of the way Kyo could make him feel sometimes, inside. He was frightened that he'd catch another hint of the other man's body, or of his skin, and that he'd get hard again, and that would prove that it wasn't just a fluke borne out of lack of sexual activity; it would prove...
Ruki wasn't exactly sure what. The idea felt too big for his head whenever he tried to process it, so he left it alone.
He was surprised how easy it was to avoid a person you lived in the same building and shared all mealtimes with. Kyo mostly kept to himself, so unless Ruki sought him out, he could be reasonably confident of not running into him too often; even at dinner Kyo always sat in the same seat, so all Ruki needed to do was try to place himself at the opposite end of the table.
Even so, he couldn't help himself from just looking at him, just occasionally.
He wondered why it was him of all people.
Of all the men around him, Kyo couldn't exactly be called the most attractive. His face was hard-edged and never lapsed into the charming sort of smile that Die or Kai's faces did; his eyes were sharp, almost too dark, cut very precisely into his face, and often suspicious-looking. His lips were the only soft part of him; everything else was a series of hard lines and angles, improbably placed, and his face had a strange air of history about it, like something drawn in a brush and ink. His general expression was one of tiredness, and he often had shadows under his eyes. Even his body was hard, lean, an unyielding sort of body without any soft places; it didn't move gracefully or sultrily, like Aoi's did; there was no sway to his steps. His hair was black and it looked soft but was often messy, as if he had raked his hands through it many times. Sitting all alone, speaking to nobody, he could have been carved from stone.
He lived in a mental asylum, and he still managed to be the weird one. Ruki knew that thought should have repelled him, but instead it just made him feel somehow soft – soft, and a little defensive. The world was full of plenty of people that were weirder than Kyo was.
'Well, how are you getting along?'
Sato's office had every window open, but still it was stifling. The doctor had hung his white coat on a hook on the back of the door, and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up and the buttons at the throat undone; he could almost have looked like a normal person, except for the neatness of his moustache. He must have cut it against a ruler, Ruki thought.
Down the corridor, he could hear the distant sounds of a minor uproar in the music room; David Bowie was the current artist of choice and it seemed that any time of the day or night, you could hear Die and Aoi bawling along to Space Oddity, doing a strange slow walk as if they were floating through space and waving their hands to bat away the passing stars.
'Better,' Ruki said.
'That's good news. Why do you think that is?'
'I don't know. Going outside more.'
'You've made quite a close friend recently, yes?'
Ruki gave the doctor a flat look. 'I don't know,' he said tonelessly, lighting his first cigarette of the session.
'Well...' Sato clucked his tongue lightly, 'I think you probably do know. Tell me about Kyo.'
'There's nothing to say. We just walk together. He had nobody else to go with and I felt sorry for him.'
'He could go with a member of staff.'
'He's not a loser,' Ruki blurted rudely, and had the grace to flush slightly. 'Sorry.'
Sato just blinked. 'Do you feel he understands you?'
'I don't know. I guess.'
'Do you talk about family? Relationships?'
'We mostly just walk,' Ruki said, rubbing his temples tiredly. 'I don't think Kyo is much to do with anything.'
'You seem defensive, Ruki.'
'I just don't see why we're talking about this.'
'All right,' Sato said levelly. He turned to a new page in his notepad and scrutinised Ruki over his desk. 'Let's move on then, shall we?'
Ruki blew smoke in the general direction of the window.
'Sex, then. Any sexual relationships before you came in?'
He almost choked on the tail end of his exhale; shooting Sato an angry look, he flicked ash violently onto the carpet.
'That's sort of personal.'
'Yes, but therapy is sort of personal. Any sexual relationships?'
'Yes.'
'More than one?'
Ruki looked at the doctor blankly. 'I've had one sexual relationship,' he said in a plain voice. 'Happy?'
'That's fine. I'd like to ask you to think about that relationship, if you can, and try to answer all my questions honestly, even if they feel a bit embarrassing. Okay?'
Ruki's filthy look very clearly said that it wasn't okay at all, but Sato just cleared his throat and adjusted the rolled up cuffs of his sleeves.
'Generally speaking, how did you find sex with your partner?'
'It's sex. It's good, isn't it?'
'I don't know. Was it?'
Ruki deliberated, flicking the butt of his cigarette with his thumb. 'Sometimes.'
'Was it a long-term relationship?'
'Yes.'
'So you felt reasonably comfortable with sexual activity?'
'Define “comfortable”,' Ruki said acidly. Sato gave him a mild look.
'Well, did you experience any nervousness? Any physical problems?'
'I can get it up fine, thanks.'
'Good to know, but that's not really what I'm asking. What I want to know is whether or not you felt anxious or fearful of sex.'
Ruki hesitated for a long while, toying with his cigarette until it more or less burnt down, and then lighting up another. 'Everyone's nervous the first time,' he mumbled at last.
'But you had intercourse more than once with this partner?'
'Yes, but...'
'But you felt nervous?'
'Well – sometimes. Only because – my partner was more experienced. I didn't want to look stupid.'
He was aware that his heart was beating a little high and fast in his chest, and that the colour was rising in his cheeks. Not only was the conversation embarrassing, but he was having to be so careful not to let slip Eiji's name or refer to him as he that it was driving him to distraction.
'So you felt inadequate?'
'Not inadequate exactly. I just...I felt like I had to work hard to keep my partner interested. Like I always had to be more daring or more...I don't know,' Ruki finished uncomfortably, his face definitely hot now. His own memories were making matters worse: how many things had he done, humiliating things, stupid things, to keep Eiji interested? Wearing no underwear under his clothes and feeling self-conscious all day, all for the split-second when Eiji would sit next to him in the university cafeteria and grope briefly at his cock under the table; kneeling up on the hard wooden floor of Eiji's studio and stroking himself off as the older man drew him, his body aching all over from the effort of not coming until Eiji had finished sketching, his cock dripping, legs trembling...
He looked blindly out of the window.
Having Eiji come on his face or his chest and being told he wasn't allowed to wash it off. Eiji putting things inside him, toys, and making him walk around the apartment that way. Letting Eiji tie him face down to the bed and lying there until his muscles were cramping and he was rutting against the sheets to give himself some relief, and then hearing the click of the older man's camera.
Reflections of Youth. God, you're such a fucking asshole.
'Did you feel valued, as a sexual partner? Did you feel like you could talk to your partner about your anxieties; that your relationship was intimate emotionally as well as physically?'
Ruki stubbed out his cigarette.
'I don't want to talk about it.'
By the time Ruki walked into the music room, an almost visible cloud of bad mood hanging over his head, David Bowie had been swapped out for Die's Magical Mystery Tour LP, and Aoi was more or less draped over a winged armchair, watching as Die led Kai and Uruha in an increasingly violent dance to Hello, Goodbye.
'Hello, hello,' Die crooned along with The Beatles, and Aoi jerked his chin upwards in a gesture of welcome.
'How was Sato? Satisfying?'
Ruki just pulled a face and dropped himself down on the floor, picking the spot under the window where Kyo sometimes sat.
'He wanted to talk about sex,' he said in a pained voice, and Aoi gave a harsh laugh.
'Think that's how he get his kicks? I've seen his wife, you know.' He took a drag from his cigarette and let the smoke furl from his nostrils, 'She's ugly as sin,' he added coolly. 'He must have to turn out the lights before he gets near her so he doesn't puke his guts out.'
'I think she's all right,' Die said fairly, and Aoi rolled his eyes.
'Of course you do; the only quote-unquote women you see these days are nurses.'
'Nurses are women. Some of them, I mean.'
'Well yes, but could you really get a hard-on over one of them in those fucking white uniforms? I may just be an ignorant homo, but I'd be worried about her reaching around in the heat of passion to take my temperature.'
'Don't be so vulgar,' Uruha said in a dignified voice. 'Dad says you're the most vulgar young man he's ever come across.'
'And I bet he's come across a lot of them,' Aoi muttered. 'So. Ruki. Did you tell Sato all about sucking Kyo's big, hard cock?'
'Shut up,' Ruki said, colouring. Hello, Goodbye was replaced by Strawberry Fields, and Ruki lit up a cigarette so he wouldn't have to look Aoi in the eye, even though his throat felt raw and his head was a little light after the hour he'd spent chain-smoking in Sato's office. He took a drag, reconsidered, and stubbed it out. 'Aoi,' he said, meeting Aoi's gaze, 'Could I talk to you? Alone?'
'Ooh,' Die said, giving the back of Aoi's neck a playful slap, 'Get your coat, you've pulled!'
'More likely Ruki's just after some intelligent conversation for a change,' Aoi yawned, getting to his feet and giving himself a good stretch. 'But sure. I have twenty minutes before I need to go be grilled by a doctor anyway. May as well get a warm up.'
They went and sat in Aoi and Die's bedroom, which seemed smaller than it was because of all the posters and pictures stuck up on the walls; even the ceiling hadn't been spared. The lampshade on the ceiling light had been wrapped in a red sweater, and when Aoi turned it on the room was filled with a rosy glow, like the world's most comforting brothel. There was an ashtray heaped with butts on the windowsill, and next to it, a joss stick smouldered in a small holder; the air was filled with the smells of both cigarette smoke and incense, and both beds were unmade. At the foot of one there were three plastic crates stacked full of LPs. They were the only thing in the room that looked well cared for.
Aoi threw himself down on his bed, the one without the crates, and leant back on his elbows comfortably.
'Sit. What's up?'
Uncertainly, Ruki perched on the edge of Die's bed. Now that he was here, he felt foolish; but, he reasoned, it would look even more stupid if he just sat here and said nothing.
'I was wondering,' he said carefully, 'When you first realised...you know, that you liked—'
'Cock? First time I had one in my mouth.'
'Seriously, I mean,' Ruki said quietly, and Aoi smiled at him.
'Sorry. I know what you mean, and I guess I always sort of knew. That's hindsight, though.'
He plucked a pair of sunglasses from his bedside table, examined them, put them on and took them off, and frowned.
'I had a friend who I liked,' he said, his voice a little slower than normal. 'He was my best friend, I guess. His family moved down the road from mine when we were both twelve. His parents did something important that meant they moved around a lot, so he always felt like a bit of an outsider, and I did too, though I didn't really know why. Anyway, he was the first time I was ever aware of wanting to actually kiss another boy. We'd mess around, and I did everything I could to get him to touch me. Not sexually or anything, but just to touch me; just push me or wrestle with me or something, because it made me feel good.' Aoi shrugged frankly. 'Anyway, it was summer, and one night we decided to go camp out on the beach, just for the hell of it. We figured we'd build a campfire or whatever. We were fourteen by then, because his parents wouldn't let him when he was younger. It was this stupid plan we had; we lived so close to the beach, but it felt like it'd be so cool to sleep somewhere where our parents weren't, for once.'
He paused, apparently searching for his next words. 'Anyway, we stayed up late, and we were lying in our sleeping bags side by side. It was so dark, and that helped.'
'Helped?'
'Yeah, it was...' he shook his head, 'It was like I just knew I was going to kiss him. I spent the whole day and evening feeling so nervous and not paying attention to anything, because I knew I was going to do it. It was like I was in a daze. So, we were lying side by side, and I just kind of rolled towards him and did it.'
'And?'
'And...he sort of froze up, so I moved back pretty quick. But he came with me; it was a moment of shock, and then he kissed me back.'
Aoi grinned, showing teeth, 'I still feel kind of...you know, thinking about it. I mean, I thought he was going to punch me or something. I was so relieved I laughed in his face, but he was laughing, too. Before that I'd been too nervous to think beyond kissing him, but once it happened everything sort of clicked into place, and I knew that I wanted him. Or at least, I knew I wanted to fool around with him. So we both unzipped our sleeping bags, and I sort of moved into his a bit, and I jerked him off.'
'But after that...you know, did you just start thinking of yourself as gay?'
Aoi took a deep pull on his cigarette, pondering that.
'Not exactly,' he said at last. 'I kind of thought it was just him, for a while.'
'So what happened?'
'Well...we weren't exactly together or anything, but anytime we were sleeping over at each other's houses, we'd end up kissing and doing something. Mostly just handjobs, but I went down on him a few times, too. When we were fifteen, though, his dad's contract was up, and they had to move away again, up to Hokkaido. I think I was about to run away and go there myself, I missed him so much, but we'd write to each other, and I realised he was drifting away from the whole thing. I was getting more into it, saying more serious stuff, and he was laughing it off. He was embarrassed, I guess. Once I was out of sight, it was pretty easy to pretend we'd never done anything, and more convenient, too. So, I never ran away. And then I started to get over him, and then I fell for somebody else. That sort of did it; that second person.' He grinned again, more wickedly. 'It was some young up-and-comer at my dad's work. He came over for dinner and I kissed him in the bathroom. I kind of had to realise I was gay after that, because I didn't know him or anything. I just sensed that he was the same as me, and I felt like I wanted to kiss him. Sort of hard to deny it after that.'
'So you think there has to be a second person?' Ruki said hopefully, 'Just one doesn't really – count?'
The smile Aoi gave him was surprisingly kind.
'It counts,' he said in a kind tone of voice. 'Men are like mice. You think one's cute and let it into your house, you end up with hundreds of the fucking things.'
'But couldn't it just be that it was just that one person, and their gender didn't matter? I mean, in one case?'
Aoi raised his eyebrows. 'Sure,' he said amiably, 'You could very well be the first person in the world to ever have it happen that way. But generally: no, I don't think so.' He hesitated. 'I'm assuming from your little psycho episode in the phone booth that the guy you were fucking is now fucking somebody else, or at least no longer interested in fucking you. Right? So my advice: get over him. He moved to Hokkaido. Game over.' He blew cigarette smoke into Ruki's face, 'Besides, I've known you were gay from the second you walked in here, and if I hadn't known then, I would've known from how much you're freaking out about it now. And I know it seems like the world's biggest disaster, but as soon as you stop crying about it and start getting sucked off, I promise it won't seem so bad. Okay?' He checked his watch, and got nimbly to his feet. 'I've gotta go. Time to get myself analysed by the finest professionals this country has to offer. But do me a favour, okay?'
'What,' Ruki muttered, cheeks burning.
'When I'm gone – and only when I'm gone, don't get me wrong – stick your hand down your pants, think only of girls, and touch yourself. See how far it gets you, because I will literally bet you a jizz stain on my bed sheets that you're as big a homo as I am.'
Ruki didn't do that. He did sit awhile on Die's bed, though, enjoying the comforting messiness of the room and the smell of the incense. Aoi was such a forceful presence that the air in the room seemed to be swirling around his new absence, the vacancy that he'd left, and Ruki watched it move for a while, not thinking about anything in particular. Down the hall, he could hear that the music had stopped, and he had about a half minute to absorb that information before the door to the bedroom burst open and Die appeared, flinging himself straight down on his knees beside his collection of records.
'Hi,' he said, apparently unconcerned to find somebody else sitting on his bed, 'Have your man-to-man?'
'Yeah.'
Die sent him a probing look. 'It help?' he asked, his voice a little softer, and Ruki shrugged. Die snorted.
'You don't have to be so stoic, you know.' He smiled, completely transforming his sad skull of a face, 'You've been here a few months, you should know that nobody's judging you by now. Did you actually suck Kyo's cock? Because it's okay if you did. Weird, but—'
'No,' Ruki said, flushing hotly, 'I didn't.'
Die grinned. 'Do you want to?'
'No. Gross.'
Die gave a loose shrug. 'I'd have thought so too, once,' he said, 'But once you're here it's like being in a bubble. You're surrounded by other men all the time. No girls. Not real ones, anyway. You wouldn't think you could get so attached to a bunch of lunatics, but nobody's ever as crazy as you think.'
'It's weird,' Ruki said. 'When I first got here, I thought you'd all be...'
'Crazy?' Die supplied delicately. 'Yeah, I know. I felt the same. I was the newest before you came along. And...' he paused to think, digging his way through his collection of records absent-mindedly, 'I guess you have people like Kai and Shinya, who need to be here. The rest of us, I don't know.' He tugged a record out, scrutinised it, and put it back. 'We just want to live,' he said, frowning. 'If anyone would let us.'
He leant forwards, and when his shirt rode up Ruki could see every individual vertebrae in his spine, as sharply defined as if he had been wearing his bones on the outside.
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It's pretty telling that most of Ruki's experiences with E.O were shrouded in anxiety and guilt. An older lover should boost his younger partner's confidence by allowing him to learn and explore and ask whatever questions he has, but that's obviously not what was going on between them. If I ever meet E.O, I'm going to punch him in the balls.
Aoi's story was interesting: a very sweet first love sort of story. And he's right on the mark with Ruki - someone somewhere could theoretically only ever fall in love with one other guy, but that's definitely not what's going on here. Bless Die for his non-judgment. (And eat some rice, baby, please!)
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Die is such a sad idiot and I love writing him, too.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I know I keep on saying it, but I really, really appreciate your support. You're very kind!
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It's nice for Aoi to be sweeter and more understanding. In a group he tends to show off, but he's more himself on his own isn't he?
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