The 20th Century Boy: 2/??

[solongsun]

Title: The 20th Century Boy

Author: solongsun  

Rating: mature

Bands: Dir en grey

Pairings: Kaoru/Toshiya

Since early childhood, Kaoru has been using doors to travel backwards and forwards through time: a motion he is sometimes able to control, and sometimes not. At the age of 22, he opens a door to the long-ago autumn of 1996 and finds something he never expected – a man who, decades before Kaoru's birth, seems to know exactly who he is...

There's nobody around when Kaoru steps through the wall.

He panics slightly, disoriented, and turns around to press at the wall behind him, looking for an opening; he finds it solid and leans back against it, eyes closed in the dimness.

Not again.

'Fuck,' he says under his breath and opens his eyes, waiting for them to adjust to the gloom so he can try to get his bearings. He appears to be in a low stone corridor, and something about the air quality tells him he might be underground. He makes out a staircase at one end, going up, but at the top there just seems to be more blackness; closest to him is a door, which he starts to move towards even though the doorknob isn't right.

'Where the fuck am I,' he mutters to nobody.

When would have been a better question.

He opens the door and finds himself in a bar. It's busy, loud with music and conversation, and smoke hangs visibly in the air like a grey shroud. Behind the bar, two wild-looking bartenders mix and pour drinks; an impossibly beautiful girl with bleached platinum hair and an eyebrow ring, and a tall young man with long dark hair, his back to Kaoru as he shakes up a cocktail vigorously. It's a dingy sort of place, but friendly looking, and Kaoru closes the door carefully behind him.

The girl's section of the bar is busier; he seats himself in front of the man. On the back wall, between the shelves of glasses and different liquors, there's an ancient and dirty-looking mirror; Kaoru looks into that, trying to decide whether he looks old enough to not get his ID checked – there's no way he'll be able to show it – and whilst he's looking he accidentally locks eyes with the male bartender.

There's a loud crash and then a silly tinkling noise as the man drops the drink he's working on.

 

He whips around, long black hair flying. His legs are so long that he clears the space between him and that bar in one step; he leans over it and grabs at Kaoru's hands urgently, staring him full in the face.

'It's you,' he says, apparently to himself.

'What?'

'This way.'

Kaoru doesn't have time to protest; the bartender is dragging him along, his thin hands surprisingly strong around Kaoru's wrists; he loops around the bar and pulls Kaoru through a door he hasn't noticed, into some kind of back room full of boxes and unused glasses and beer barrels. There's a dog-eared calendar on the wall that says November 1996, so that's at least one question answered: Kaoru has more pressing questions now, however. Whilst he splutters the bartender closes the door with a snap, pushes Kaoru back up against it, and presses their lips together.

It feels nice, but that's not the point: Kaoru shoves him back roughly, wiping the back of his hand across his lips, 'What the fuck?'

For the first time, a look of faint uncertainty comes across the bartender's face.

'What? Kaoru...'

'How – how do you know my name?'

The bartender blinks at him. 'What are you talking about? Of course I know your name.'

'But I...' Kaoru squeezes his eyes shut for a second, forces himself to think clearly, 'I think you have me confused with somebody else. We've definitely never met.'

The bartender gives a snort of a laugh, but the smile fades quickly from his lips as he takes in Kaoru's expression and the way he's folded his arms; his own face falls, and he bites his lower lip worriedly.

'Kaoru,' he says softly, and Kaoru feels his head start aching.

'I'm sorry,' he says, trying for a bit of a gentler voice, 'But there's – definitely no way we've ever met.'

Because I won't be born for another twenty-six years.

The bartender stares at him, an unreadable expression on his face. Up close, he's the most beautiful man Kaoru has ever seen; his face is strange, not quite feminine but not really all the way masculine either; he has a sharp jaw but lips so perfectly formed that looking at them, Kaoru thinks he can still feel them against his own. His eyes are dark and full of some aching question Kaoru can't identify; there's a shine to them, and Kaoru watches as the bartender rubs his eyes to disguise the way a tear has started to slip down his cheek.

'But...' the bartender says quietly, 'But we have. Kaoru, you've visited so many times. Kaoru, it's...it's me. It's Toshiya.'

There's a slightly desperate sort of look on his face as he says his name, and he takes Kaoru's hand in one of his own, tangling the fingers together; his are longer, his hands larger.

He drops his eyes to their conjoined hands. 'I know it's you,' he says, almost to himself.

'I don't—'

'Look at me,' the bartender says, and Kaoru does. Their dark gazes clash; Toshiya stares hard into his eyes, seeking out any signs of untruth there. Finally, something clears in his expression, and he places a gentle hand on Kaoru's cheek.

'I'm sorry to ask,' he says quietly, 'But how old are you?'

'I'm twenty one,' Kaoru says, confused, and Toshiya shuts his eyes for something longer than a blink. Without saying a word, he gives a soft sigh, and he leans forward to rest his forehead against Kaoru's lightly.

'We haven't met yet,' he says softly, 'That's why. Not in your time. Only in mine.'

'I don't understand—'

Toshiya pulls back. 'When I first met you,' he says carefully, 'You were twenty eight.' He swallows. 'And four months and twenty one days.'

 

Kaoru presses his free hand firmly against the door behind him, checking for its reality. His mind feels like it's moving so fast that it's burnt itself into emptiness; the only sound in there is a kind of strange ringing in his ears.

'But how do you—'

'I was six years old,' Toshiya says clearly, 'When we met. You asked me if I knew of any doors with a brass doorknob.'

Kaoru's mouth feels incredibly dry. 'You know about that,' he says breathlessly, and Toshiya gives a little nod, his hair moving prettily around his face.

'I've seen you...I don't know how many times since then. Hundreds. When I was eight, and twelve, and when I was thirteen and fourteen and fifteen...' he reaches up and strokes Kaoru's hair with a shaking hand, 'You look so young, Kaoru. I've never seen you this young.' He smiles tremulously. 'You warned me that this would happen sometime. It would have to, wouldn't it? But I can't tell you too much about what happens.' He gives a shaky little laugh, 'You look like you just got hit by a bus. Sit down.'

Obediently, Kaoru slides to the floor, raking his hands through his hair. His head feels strangely light, like he's going to faint, and his muscles feel weak and trembly. The floor is dusty but he's grateful for its solidity, and Toshiya steps back to give him some air, sitting down himself on some boxes a respectful few feet away. He crosses his long legs gracefully.

'You know about the travelling,' Kaoru says at last in a hoarse sort of voice, and Toshiya gives a hesitant nod.

'Yes.'

'Can you do it too?' Kaoru asks abruptly, and Toshiya smiles ruefully as he shakes his head.

'Sorry, no.'

'You kissed me.'

'Yeah.'

'We...' Kaoru shoots him an unreadable look, 'I guess we know each other...pretty well. In the future.'

Toshiya gives a restrained nod. 'And the past,' he adds softly.

Kaoru puts his head in his hands. 'I'm sorry,' he says in a tense sort of voice.

'Sorry?'

'Whatever – happened – I shouldn't have let that happen. I'm so sorry. It's not right. I'm – when I travel I avoid it, talking to people, as much as possible. I just try to slip through. It's like a rule.'

'Whose rule?'

'My rule,' Kaoru says firmly, and when he uncovers his face his eyes are damp. 'I'm so, so sorry,' he says in a hoarse voice. 'Whatever – happens – kissing you is too far. I'm so sorry. I should never—'

The expression on Toshiya's face shuts him up, because it's so knowing that Kaoru feels uncomfortable; it's like this strange young man is looking directly inside him, seeing past his eyes into all the channels and dark corners of Kaoru's mind – all the scared places, all the sorry places. It's like he sees them, and he's seen them before; it's like he knows them, maybe almost as well as he knows his own. When he opens his mouth Kaoru's scared of what he's going to say, but all he does is ask, 'Do you have to find your way back right away?'

'I suppose not. Nobody's waiting for me.'

Toshiya smiles a little sadly. 'Okay then. Let's get out of here.'

 

It's only later that it occurs to Kaoru that Toshiya had been working, and that he probably shouldn't have walked out of his job halfway through the evening; at the time, though, he simply lets Toshiya lead him. They go through a short maze of interconnecting doors, up a steep concrete stairway and they're suddenly out in the cold, rainy night air, Toshiya shivering and clutching his bare arms. It's windy, and his hair blows out around his face in a tangle.

He looks beautiful, and Kaoru clenches his fist so hard his nails bite into his skin.

How could you, he asks himself.

How could you do something so stupid?

Toshiya leads him through the rainy streets to a small, rundown apartment building a few blocks away. A lot of the windows are broken or boarded up, and there's graffiti sprayed over the door.

'Where are we?' Kaoru thinks to ask.

'Osaka. I used to live in Nagano, in Kiso village. That's where we met.'

The thought is too confusing; Kaoru nods vaguely. Inside the apartment building there's a lift, but Toshiya drags him into a dim, echoey stairwell. The general atmosphere is one of neglect; everything looks like it's crumbling and the few lights are buzzing and flickering. They climb four flights of stairs and then Toshiya's jamming a worn-looking key into a door so flimsy Kaoru wonders why they bothered to install a lock.

It's small inside; a studio with a narrow strip of kitchen, a door that Kaoru guesses leads to the bathroom, and two single beds pushed up against opposite walls. Toshiya flicks on the ceiling light and there's a muffled sound of protest.

'Seriously, Toshiya?'

A figure pushes itself up from the puddle of blankets on one of the beds; it's small and angry-looking, with lots of rumpled blond hair.

'Sorry, Kyo.' Toshiya pulls Kaoru through the door to stand awkwardly next to him. 'Listen, could you...?'

'Oh no.'

'Kyo—'

'Oh no. No. No no no. Who is this?'

'This is Kaoru, and he and I really need the apartment to ourselves, and I did it for you with Rie three different nights last week so I think you should really go and stay at her place for a change.'

There's an angry silence, and then a huffing noise. The man called Kyo flings the sheets off his body angrily and gets to his feet; he's wearing just underwear and a T-shirt even though the apartment is freezing. In a buzz of furious energy he shoves his legs into jeans and forces a sweater over his head, wraps a thick scarf around his face and tugs a coat on over it all. All that's visible is his eyes, and they're glaring at Toshiya hotly.

'You better be loaning me cab money for this little adventure. It's half one in the morning.'

Toshiya rolls his eyes and flings his wallet at the other man, who's short enough to look like almost a different species next to him. Kyo catches it deftly. 'Have fun,' he says sourly, gives Kaoru a short nod, and slams his way out of the apartment.

 

'My roommate,' Toshiya explains into the awkward silence left behind him. Under the harsh ceiling light Kaoru can see that he has shadows under his eyes, and his face is maybe a shade too pale; he toes off his shoes and drops heavily onto the other bed. 'He's not usually in when I bring you over,' Toshiya says tiredly, 'I make sure.'

'I've been here before?'

Toshiya shoots him a sad smile. 'Lots of times. I guess...pretty soon you're going to have a lot of memories of me.'

'It sounds like I will,' Kaoru says uncomfortably.

'I can't believe how young you look,' Toshiya says, gazing at him, 'I don't mean that you look old normally. It's just this time, you...' he shakes his head, his expression rapt.

'How old are you?'

'I'm nineteen.'

They're both silent for a moment, and then Toshiya gives a strange laugh, 'This is ridiculous. All the time we've spent together, and I have no idea what to say to you right now.'

'You say you first saw me when you were six?' Kaoru prompts uncertainly, and Toshiya nods.

'Yeah. And you were twenty eight. I've seen you a few different ages. You're twenty five a lot, twenty six. Twenty nine is the oldest so far, and I've seen you at twenty three, too. So I guess it won't be too long for you until I'll be seeing you again.'

'So we keep on converging,' Kaoru says.

'Yeah, we do.' Toshiya pats the bed next to him, 'Sit down.'

'I...'

A smile quirks at the corners of Toshiya's mouth. 'I'm just asking you to sit,' he says gently, and so Kaoru does so.

'I'm sorry,' he says stiffly, 'It's just...this is very hard to believe. I don't know what to think.' He rubs at his forehead nervously, 'So in my future and your past, we're...lovers?'

Toshiya smiles wider at that.

'I don't want to give too much away.'

'But the way you kissed me...'

Toshiya's smile widens, and carefully he kisses Kaoru again, just lightly, on the cheek.

'You'll have the memories soon,' he says gently.

 

Strangely, there isn't much else to talk about. Toshiya gets a six-pack of beer from the tiny strip of kitchen and they sit up drinking it, chatting about nothing in particular; Kaoru learns that Toshiya and Kyo play in a band together, and that they've been living together ever since Toshiya moved to the city at seventeen. Kaoru can tell that Toshiya feels somehow deeply sad at the fact that Kaoru doesn't yet remember him, but he doesn't know what to do or say to make it right; the beautiful stranger next to him is sweet and funny and compelling but he is still just that, a stranger.

By half past four in the morning they've finished the beer and the whisky Toshiya dug out of a cupboard, and Toshiya has begun to stifle yawns against the heel of his hand. Tired and tipsy, he leans against Kaoru familiarly, his body long and strong and warm.

'I should go,' Kaoru says politely, and Toshiya gives him a sad little look.

'Stay the night,' he says in a small voice, 'Please. I know it's weird for you, but...please. It's been so long since I've seen you. I don't want to sleep without you.'

He catches Kaoru's expression and grips his hand tightly, 'I just mean to sleep, I promise. We'll have to share my bed, though. Kyo would kill me otherwise.' He sighs. 'I guess you won't know yet, but you'll go back in your sleep.'

'Just when I fall asleep?'

Toshiya nods. 'Not right away. But you told me...when you fall asleep, you dream of the door with the brass doorknob. And you open it...'

'I've fallen asleep before? Whilst travelling, I mean?'

'Yeah. When you spend the night with me. You're always gone when I wake up.'

He tries for a smile, but it cracks, and he drops his eyes from Kaoru's to stare fixedly down at his lap again, his posture hunched and broken-looking. Kaoru hears a small sniff, and they're both quiet for a long time.

 

Toshiya sleeps just in his underwear, but Kaoru keeps his T-shirt on; he doesn't know what is or isn't appropriate, huddled up in a single bed with this strange, beautiful young man.

They're pressed together tightly; Toshiya is shivering, and that's his excuse. His body naturally curves around Kaoru's, as if they've done it that way a thousand times before, and Kaoru's surprised to find that he doesn't mind; Toshiya's touch is gentle, and his skin is smooth and smells good to Kaoru, like soap and a hint of something else – perhaps just his natural, inborn scent. He tangles a leg between Kaoru's peremptorily and one of his big, warm hands flattens itself against Kaoru's belly; his chin tucks itself into the gap between Kaoru's jaw and shoulder.

They lie quietly in the darkness for a little while, and Kaoru can feel it: Toshiya's erection pushing against his hip. He shifts, and the younger man sighs.

'Sorry,' Toshiya whispers, the sound of his voice so close by Kaoru's ear sending something like a little weakness through his body, 'It's just being close to you. I can't help it.'

'It's okay. Want me to sleep on the floor, or something?'

In answer, Toshiya's arms tighten slightly around his body. His face is pressed tight against Kaoru's neck, and hesitantly, he dares to kiss the skin there. There's wetness beneath Kaoru's ear, too; he realises Toshiya is crying, breath gasping softly against his skin.

He says in soft, unsteady voice, 'I miss you so much.'

Under the covers, Kaoru takes his hand carefully. 'I'm so sorry I did this to you,' he whispers.

They fall asleep like that, tangled up together, their hands clasped over Kaoru's body.

When Toshiya wakes up, though, he's wrapped only around the sheets, and he's entirely alone. 

Comments

[thehamhamheaven]

So for Kaoru, their first meeting is when he's 21 and Totchi's 19. That must be really strange for Totchi, having so many memories of time together that Kaoru hasn't experienced yet. And Kaoru's probably going to imagine all sorts of worst-case scenarios... he seems like the type.

Interesting little detail about him always leaving in his dreams. Does he have to open the door, I wonder? What would happen if he saw the brass knob and ignored it? And how often do these "traveling" incidents happen? Does he get to spend a substantial amount of time in his own timeline, or is he constantly in a state of flux. So curious to know more!

[reilaflowers]

First, I can't picture Kaoru in a bar without wearing THAT HAT (KR Cube PV). It made it hard to take things seriously at first. But now I just feel sad for poor Toshiya. It must be so hard for him, being in love with a man from a different time.

[solongsun]

OH HECK, THE HAT. I had to rewatch KR Cube after reading your comment. I completely forgot how very, very lolzy it was. So many tragic outfits, so much licking of bald heads (why?), such a general lack of sense. Kaoru's hat is the least of it.

I love Dir en grey to pieces but seriously, what a bunch of dorks <3

Anyway, thanks for reading, and do obviously feel free to picture Kaoru in THAT HAT for the remainder of the fic.

[reilaflowers]

To be fair to that video, it's the first Diru song I heard that I loved. It's the reason I started to get into the band in the first place, it has a special place in my heart. Along with the hat.

[solongsun]

It's a GREAT song. Macabre as a whole is a completely boss album; to this day I think it's my favourite Dir album. The title track is one of the best things they've ever made, in my opinion. Second favourite is probably Uroboros.

I think the first Dir en grey song I ever heard was Garden. As I remember, it was on a compilation CD that my friend put together for me. This was before I was aware of YouTube as a thing, though. It wasn't famous yet! I remember seeing their music videos felt like such a huge deal when YouTube DID become more popular.

It's crazy that this all feels like so long ago now. I got into Dir en grey when I was 12...I was so nuts about them! That was 12 years ago.

Sorry, I'm aware that you didn't ask for my life story.

[reilaflowers]

Wow! Though actually, I'm on 11 years as a Jrock fan myself now. Most of which I've been at least a passing Dir En Grey fan. They'll never be my favourite band, as I only love some of their songs, but that doesn't mean they're not close to my heart either.