The 20th Century Boy: 7/??

[solongsun]

Title: The 20th Century Boy

Author: solongsun  

Rating: mature

Bands: Dir en grey

Pairings: Kaoru/Toshiya

Since early childhood, Kaoru has been using doors to travel backwards and forwards through time: a motion he is sometimes able to control, and sometimes not. At the age of 22, he opens a door to the long-ago autumn of 1996 and finds something he never expected – a man who, decades before Kaoru's birth, seems to know exactly who he is...

Kaoru takes a deep lungful of air and steps out into a bright, clear day that smells of early summer.

The air is still, and he's surrounded by trees; tall, thin trees that point at the sky like arrows on all sides. He can smell their warm sap. The grass he's standing on is ankle high.

He's been here before, many times, and he glances around, looking for Toshiya. The day feels too quiet for him to be anywhere nearby so Kaoru starts to walk, choosing a direction at random and sticking with it completely; he has learnt that it's best to follow his instinct in these situations. His route takes him out of the shaggy field and down a cobbled stone path, which becomes an alleyway between houses; he comes out of there onto a road and suddenly the world is thick with people: teenage boys in identical back gakuran, most with the jackets unbuttoned or shucked off under the gentle sun. They're in groups or couples, laughing and horsing around in the golden-coloured light – the after school light that Kaoru always loved – and it's not easy to spot Toshiya among them even though he's walking alone, straight and jagged as a knife, with his long hair in need of a cut and his uniform somehow shabbier than all the rest; walking fast, his hands jammed protectively into his pockets, he gives off a general air of neglect. He's tall, too; taller than most anybody else. He's finally reached the height Kaoru promised him when he was six.

 

It's funny, somehow, seeing Toshiya in a big crowd like that: Kaoru can't put his finger on why, but it's not exactly a comfortable feeling. Toshiya looks so alone, his posture so proud and sad, as if he doesn't care; Kaoru follows him at a reasonable distance, fascinated, and sees as a cruel hand shoots out of a big group of boys as they pass, shoving Toshiya into a waist-high wall so he rubs his hip and scowls. They're too far ahead for Kaoru to be able to hear what Toshiya says, but he can catch the jeering laughter he gets in response, and begins to quicken his step. The general crowd of uniforms is thinning as the students peel off down their individual streets home; in this small town there aren't many different roads to take. Toshiya takes an unpopular left fork that heads uphill and Kaoru is discomfited to see the group follow him, closing ranks around him; one slips an arm around his neck but it doesn't look friendly. Kaoru feels a muscle tighten in his jaw; he's getting close enough to hear them now.

'Hey Toshiya, where are you going? Is the gay bar open this early?'

Toshiya doesn't reply, but he's walking faster, and as Kaoru draws closer he can see the rigid set of his shoulders.

'Hey Toshiya, how's your dad? Are you gonna tell us what he's in prison for yet? Hey, don't you think you should get a fucking haircut?'

Kaoru's almost in a run now, but the group of boys are ahead; they catch up with Toshiya and one of them grabs him by the shoulder, forcing him to stumble around to face them. He says something too quietly for Kaoru to quite make it out, but the group breaks up in laughter. One of them grabs hold of Toshiya by the hair and yanks his head back, and he sees a flash in the summer sunlight; a pair of metal scissors winking in the afternoon light.

'Stop it,' Kaoru says, horrified; his voice echoes off the still buildings and the group turns as one, already letting Toshiya go; he rubs his head resentfully where his hair was pulled. 'You kids. What the hell do you think you're doing?'

They stand back, shuffling their feet; these small-town teenagers are hardly hardened delinquents. They're taught to respect their elders, around here; even if some of them are taller than Kaoru, they eye him apprehensively.

'Get out of here,' Kaoru says, uncomfortable with the authority, and quietly they peel away, heading back the way they came. Up ahead, the three boys that look like brothers haven't even turned around.

There's a silence between him and Toshiya, then; Toshiya tucks his hair behind his ear and straightens his uniform. Up close, he looks too thin. He's maybe fifteen or sixteen or so.

 

'Hi,' he says at last, his fingers toying with the buttons on his jacket, and Kaoru nods awkwardly.

'Hi.' He jerks his head at the direction the boys have gone: 'That a bad thing to do? Are they going to be angrier tomorrow?'

Toshiya shrugged. 'Nah. Doesn't matter. Thanks.' He gives Kaoru a self-conscious smile, plucking at his uniform jacket, 'I'd rather you weren't seeing me like this.'

'Like what?'

'In my school uniform, with people like...' he sighed, cocking his head to the side, 'Can we just forget any of that happened, so you can still think I'm cool?'

'You're cool,' Kaoru says comfortably. They fall into step together, carrying on back towards Toshiya's home, and Toshiya smiles.

'It's really good to see you.'

'Good to see you too, kid.'

'You don't get to call me kid any more. I'm fifteen.'

'A real grown up.'

'Talking grown-up shit.' Toshiya knocks his hip against Kaoru's, grinning. It's a weird blur, for a moment, that Kaoru instantly feels guilty for: the last time he saw Toshiya, he was twenty-two years old and lying on his back on his bed, propped up on his elbows, one hand moving lazily over his cock. Kaoru shakes his head, trying to clear the image.

'Those guys hassle you often?' he asks, hoping he sounds casual, and Toshiya twists a lock of his hair around his fingers. It really does need cutting; it's ragged at the ends.

'They're idiots,' he says listlessly, 'It doesn't matter.' He shoots Kaoru a quick sideways glance, 'How old are you?'

'It does matter. Were they really going to cut your hair?'

Toshiya gives a sulky shrug. 'I don't know. I don't want to talk about it.'

'Tough. I do. Have they ever hurt you?'

'They mostly just say dumb stuff. It really doesn't matter. I only have a few years left and then I'm done.'

'Done?'

'With school. With this whole place.' He kicks out suddenly at a rock; it clatters as it bounces down the road in front of them. 'As soon as I can, I'm moving somewhere that stays open all night. I kind of – I thought I might move to Osaka, actually.'

'Why Osaka, particularly?' Kaoru asks, and Toshiya gives his head a shy shake.

'Because you live there.'

'Well yeah, but I don't move there until 2041. You might be waiting a while if you want to hang out.'

Toshiya grins, runs a hand through his shaggy, too long, beautiful hair. 'I know, but it'll be like I know somebody anyway. I'll be able to walk on the streets and think that maybe you're walking in the same spot, a few years later than me.' He pauses. 'You know, since knowing you, time doesn't really feel the same. My life...feels like part of your life.'

'You get your own life, Toshiya. A whole one.'

'I know.' He rounds an unexpected corner and reaches up to brush the branches of a tree with one long, skinny arm, a reach Kaoru might only be able to make by jumping, 'But don't you get it? You're here, and you're there. And I'm here all the time, but you take me with you when you go.'

'I don't understand,' Kaoru says, and Toshiya flashes him a coy sort of smile.

'You don't think about me when you're in the future?' he asks.

'Of course I do. I think about you all the time. I used to try to avoid opening the doors when I saw them, as much as I could.' Kaoru pauses. 'Since meeting you, I open all of them.'

'So you take me with you,' Toshiya says, as if he's explaining it to an idiot. He grins at Kaoru and takes his hand, starting to pull him along.

 

Toshiya takes him to the narrow, dark sort of house where he now lives with his grandmother. She's not in, he explains; every Tuesday is her mah-jong afternoon with her friends further down in the village. They have the whole place to themselves, he says, and slips Kaoru another coy sort of grin; the type of smile that makes him feel slightly uncomfortable.

'Do you like living here?' he asks, and Toshiya gives a loose shrug.

'It's okay. My grandma is pretty strict, but it's better than before.' He gives Kaoru a narrow, assessing sort of look. 'You want a beer?' he asks bluntly.

'Excuse me?'

Toshiya rolls his eyes and starts up the stairs, Kaoru tagging along behind him uncertainly. The staircase is steep and the stairs are made of dark brown wood that creaks; at the top there's a tiny landing splitting off into three rooms. Toshiya checks the handle of one of the doors carefully before pushing it open and ushering Kaoru through. He closes the door behind them.

'This is my room,' he says unnecessarily. The walls are covered in posters that look like they've been ripped out of magazines: all singers and bands, no actors or pin-ups. Apart from the futon on the floor and the wardrobe, the only other furniture is a second- or third-hand looking chest of drawers with its top entirely given over to a tape deck. Orange crates full of cassettes line the walls, and the curtain at the window is heavy, dusty black. At some point Toshiya seems to have haphazardly wrapped a red shawl around the light fitting hanging from the ceiling, so when he flicks the light on, the room instantly glows red. Kaoru raises his eyebrows, and Toshiya looks up at it pensively.

'Red is the colour of energy,' he says, and heads over to his wardrobe. He opens it and Kaoru has to bite back a smile; inside, it's pure chaos, with clothes falling off hangers and tangled all over the floor. He digs unselfconsciously through the pile and somehow comes up with two bottles of beer, one of which he throws to Kaoru. The other, he opens in a practised sort of way on the edge of his chest of drawers, adding another shallow white nick to the golden-varnished wood. He takes a big swallow from it, wrinkling his nose, and punches a button on the tape deck. The sound of David Bowie singing Rebel Rebel fills the room: you've got your mother in a whirl, she's not sure if you're a boy or a girl...

'You're sort of young for beer,' Kaoru says, trying to hide his amusement. 'I feel like I'm being a bad adult if I don't tell you off at least a little.'

'How old are you, this time?'

'I'm twenty six.'

'You were twenty six last time I saw you.'

'Last time I saw you, you were twenty two.'

'Yeah?' Toshiya smiles. 'What was I doing? Was I living in Osaka?'

Kaoru's insides give another guilty lurch, and he opens his beer the same way Toshiya did. 'I don't want to give the game away,' he says gently. 'It's better if you live it first.'

 

Toshiya nods at that, leaning back against the chest of drawers. 'So you're eleven years older than me,' he clarifies.

He's giving Kaoru a look that makes him nervous. He nods uncertainly.

'That's right.'

'You know...you really helped me, before. When my parents were – you know.' He smiles shyly, 'And today. You're always helping me. So I had to think about some way of paying you back. But I don't know what to give to a twenty-first century guy.'

'You don't have to pay me back,' Kaoru says carefully, and Toshiya's smile widens. He closes the distance between them and runs a clumsy hand down Kaoru's chest.

'Woah,' Kaoru says hurriedly, grasping at Toshiya's wrist to stop it from going any lower, and Toshiya blushes furiously.

'So I – I thought I could offer you me,' he says, less confident sounding now, and Kaoru gently guides his wrist back to his side.

'Toshiya,' he says, as kindly as he can with his body feeling as tense as it does, 'You don't need to do anything. You definitely don't need to do anything like that.'

'But I...' he doesn't seem able to meet Kaoru's eyes, and his cheeks are so flushed hot red, 'I like you.'

'Toshiya—'

'I'm not too young, or anything. I know how it all works.'

'Toshiya,' Kaoru says more firmly, and Toshiya takes a step back. His eyes keep touching on Kaoru's and then flicking away nervously; slowly he moves his shaking fingers up to his white uniform shirt and begins to unbutton it.

'Stop,' Kaoru says, and Toshiya gives him an unreadable look.

'Don't you want me?' he asks softly. His eyes brighten momentarily as Kaoru walks forward and takes hold of his shirt, but the light in them dies as the older man's hands begin to redo his buttons, covering up the patch of chest where his heart beats wildly. Kaoru's hands tremble slightly and fumble the job, and he grits his teeth. There's a warm flush of arousal in his stomach that he's forcing himself to keep down, reminding himself viciously that Toshiya's just a teenager, just a kid, fifteen years old and vulnerable even if he is beautiful.

Don't let this be how it happens, he begs wildly in his head, don't let me betray him, please.

'Toshiya,' he says, more steadily than he feels, 'It's not about that. Even if you know how things work, you're still much, much too young.'

'Do we do it when I'm older?' Toshiya asks bluntly, and Kaoru closes his eyes for something longer than a blink.

'Toshiya, I can't answer that. All I can tell you for sure is that we're definitely not doing anything today.'

 

Sighing, Toshiya gives a small nod. Apparently for something to do, he drinks down more of his beer.

'I'm pretty sure I'm gay,' he says, like it's a natural extension of what's happened. 'I think some girls are pretty, but I don't want to kiss them or touch them or anything. And I think about guys when I...' he makes a sad hand gesture and Kaoru nods hurriedly, trying not to think about what he's saying too much; stupidly, he can feel a blush spreading through his cheeks.

'That's okay,' he says clumsily, easing himself down onto the floor; much more gracefully, Toshiya sits down next to him. For a moment the two of them simply drink in silence, Toshiya clinking their bottles companionably. Kaoru starts edging his thumbnail under the label on the front of his. 'It's okay to like guys,' he says carefully. 'You know it's normal and there's – nothing wrong with it, or anything?'

Toshiya shrugs artlessly, and Kaoru works harder at the label on his bottle. 'Please be careful, though,' he says quietly. 'The world is changing – it will change – but you live in a comparatively backward time, and you have to be on your guard.'

Looking unimpressed, Toshiya leans back on his hands. 'Didn't you see them earlier?' he asks bluntly. 'Everybody around here has already decided what they think of me.'

'But it's not just that, Toshiya. I don't want you to get hurt; seriously hurt, I mean.'

'Can I have a cigarette?'

'You're too young for cigarettes.'

Toshiya makes an offended sort of noise, but not like he really cares. Leaning back the way he is, he looks tired. He sort of nudges Kaoru, and then rests his head on the older man's shoulder.

'Kiss me,' he mumbles, and Kaoru laughs even though he feels like there's a pain in his chest.

'C'mon, Toshiya. You're fifteen. Your hormones are going mad.'

'It's not my hormones. Are you really that stupid?'

'Toshiya—'

'I love you. I don't care if I'm too young. I feel like I've been in love with you my whole life, and it's driving me crazy. There has to be a reason why I see you everywhere, Kaoru, don't you get that?'

'Toshiya...' Kaoru stares at him helplessly, his heart beating faster in spite of himself; Toshiya's face is much too close to his. The teenager looks determined, stubborn, and even though it's inappropriate Kaoru can't help but feel that he's seeing his true beauty at last, much more so than in his long honey-coloured limbs or his deep brown eyes or his smile – the real beauty of him is in his tenacity; his sheer wilfulness; his determination to win at any cost, just by wanting it the most. It wasn't competitiveness exactly, it was more like a type of fierceness, or a rage – some great rage to survive, no matter what. 'Toshiya,' Kaoru says again weakly, the familiar fondness tugging at his heart so hard that it hurts, 'I can't do this.'

'Just a kiss,' Toshiya says, speaking quickly and quietly because he can sense that he's winning, 'Just one kiss. That's all I need.'

'Toshiya—'

'I want you to be my first,' the teenager blurts, flushing furiously.

'Toshiya,' Kaoru says, gentler, 'Your first—?'

'My first kiss. First blow job. First time having sex. All of it.' He pauses, swallowing, his eyes nervous but excited, 'I want all of it with you.'

'No.' Kaoru won't meet his eyes. He's looking down at his knees, and his usually stoic face is strangely miserable as he shakes his head, 'Toshiya, don't. Please.'

'I already do,' Toshiya says. He takes Kaoru's hand and the older man doesn't resist but he does close his eyes tightly, refusing to look at it.

'Toshiya,' he says in a ragged sort of voice, 'Please. Please don't tempt me too much.'

Toshiya bites his lip, looking down at the small, tattooed hand nestled against his own. He feels like his own indecision is a pitiful thing: on one hand, he can tell that Kaoru is cracking, and it makes him feel more excited than he can really cope with. On the other hand, he can't understand why Kaoru looks so upset; so almost frightened of him and of the way they're touching. Hesitantly, Toshiya tries pulling Kaoru's hand towards his body, and the older man makes a strangled sort of noise and yanks his fingers away.

'Kaoru,' Toshiya says, gentler, 'Kaoru, you don't need to worry. Not about...corrupting me or anything like that. I already – I mean, I know I want it. I...I think about it. I think about you all the time.'

 

Kaoru just makes a sort of sighing sound. He still won't look at him; he actually has his eyes squeezed shut, and carefully, Toshiya leans forward and knocks their foreheads lightly together. 'Just a kiss,' he says quietly, 'Just a kiss and that's all, and I'll leave it, I promise. Just one kiss. Please.'

Their faces are so close anyway, their foreheads together – that strange gesture; so distinctly Toshiya – and their lips no more than an inch or two apart. Still, it's a surprise when Kaoru butts his head upwards just gently, closing the gap even with his every moment heavy with regret: the way he brushes Toshiya's lips with his, the way he slides one hand into the warm hair over the back of Toshiya's neck. It's a soft, careful kiss that doesn't dare much, but Toshiya can feel the shape of Kaoru's lips – that precise little curve he has in his upper lip that always reminds Toshiya of a letter M – pressing so sadly against his own, and the high fast rhythm of his nervous breathing, and he can smell his skin and feel the heat of it through his clothes.

He knows that whatever happens, Kaoru has lost – that he has to lose, because in that forbidden first kiss, Toshiya has felt something change inside of him, like something new clicking into place; he knows that with this man's lips against his, he has made himself Kaoru's forever.

This is all he'll ever want. Nobody else will do.

The contact between them breaks as Kaoru scrambles to his feet, his eyes looking reddish and a horrified, almost terrified sort of expression on his face.

'I – I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Toshiya.'

His voice shakes. He casts a last miserable, apologetic look at Toshiya before he leaves, and the teenager leans his head back against the wall and sighs deeply. He can still feel those lips on his, and even though he's got a sick feeling inside him like he's messed everything up, he can't help it: he smiles.

He gets up and he turns the volume on the cassette player up to full. 

Comments

[solongsun]

Absolutely ideal. Bless you, Toshiya.