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solongsun April 8, 1970: the day of the Ten-Roku gas explosion, and the day that 22-year-old Ruki attempts to end his life. Less than two weeks later, he finds himself committed to the Yamauchi Hostel, a psychiatric hospital in the Kyoto hills. Kept on a ward with a number of other ill young men, Ruki is sometimes frightened and sometimes enthralled by his new friends – and none more other than the 'untreatable' Kyo, whose hospitalisation hides a legacy of dark secrets...
Ruki couldn't tell which of them broke the contact between their lips. His head felt like it was spinning.
Everything felt incredibly real. He felt like one of those sensitive instruments that can detect earthquakes happening hundreds of miles away; he could feel and see and hear everything: the chattering birdsong, the pitch of Kyo's breathing and the thrashing of his heart; the early morning damp in the air; the way the horizon was more blue now than black, showing the dark silhouettes of the clouds and the hills. He felt the way the hair was standing up on the back of his own neck, and most of all he felt the look that they shared between them, their two sets of dark eyes clashing, both of them mutely asking the same question; is this okay?
It took a split second, and then cautiously Kyo took hold of Ruki around the waist, his grip gentle but firm. He paused, glancing down at his hands as if they had confused him, and then uncertainly moved one of them to the back of Ruki's neck. They were shaking slightly, Ruki realised. The hand on his neck shifted to cup his jaw, and when he didn't object to that, Kyo's thumb carefully stroked his cheek. His eyes were wary, but there was something else in them; there was something like heat, smouldering dangerously just below the surface. He bit his lower lip and then, experimentally, moved forward and brushed that same lip against Ruki's.
The hand on his waist gripped a little harder, warming him through his clothes. Ruki butted his head forward gently, deepening the contact between them; he dropped his hands to the hem of his T-shirt and pushed it clumsily up so that both Kyo's hands were against his bare skin. He bit down on Kyo's lip and pressed his tongue against it to make the other man groan; the bed dipped beneath them and he grabbed two fistfuls of Kyo's clothing, dragging him down. His head hit the pillow and he felt the sharp lines of Kyo's body over the top of him, his knees spread apart to straddle Ruki's legs.
Ruki's dream flashed through his mind like lightning: nothing above him but Kyo; nothing above Kyo but sky.
I want you, coming from his own lips. I want you.
Kyo was supporting himself on one hand, the other still clutching at Ruki's waist, and Ruki only hesitated for a moment before he grabbed that hand and pushed it up higher, letting Kyo's fingertips brush just barely over his nipple. It was stiff and sensitive; he could feel the way it was making a point in his T-shirt, and when Kyo touched it Ruki felt like he was unravelling. He shivered, a little noise escaping his throat, and felt it as Kyo's warm hand slid around the shape of his body to steady him.
And it was the weirdest feeling, tasting him. Eiji had always tasted like either coffee or cigarettes or mouthwash, but Kyo didn't; he tasted – familiar. Recognisable in a way Ruki couldn't identify, except that it was good, and that he wanted more of it.
Their lips parted with a soft sound, and Kyo sat up on his knees uncertainly. His lips were red and blurred looking, and he swiped a hand awkwardly through his hair. His fingers were spanned out over the delicate cage of Ruki's ribs, and it was a strange perspective for Ruki, looking down the length of his body: seeing his T-shirt rumpled around his chest, that still hand on his skin, the waist of his pants and, just below that, the shape of his cock pushing upward against his clothes. He flushed, looking at it, and met Kyo's eyes unsteadily.
'Sorry,' he said, and Kyo hesitated agonisingly, his hand a tight fist tangled in his own hair.
'I don't know what to do,' he said bluntly, 'I've never done this before.'
'You don't have to do anything,' Ruki said nervously, but his hands were making little fists in Kyo's T-shirt, dragging him back down and pressing their lips together again. He slid his leg up at the knee, feeling his thigh brush against Kyo's hip; it brought their bodies closer together and he couldn't help arching up slightly, pressing his cock against Kyo's leg. His hands on the older man's T-shirt were growing more insistent, tugging it upwards, and they broke apart just for the time it took for him to yank it up off Kyo's head and shoulders, the neck catching his hair and making it wild. Breathlessly, Ruki reached up and smoothed it down.
He had real muscles; real abs that twitched slightly when Ruki ran a hand over them. In the very centre of his chest, where his heart raced, there lay a few long thin white scars like little ghosts embedded in his skin; fragments of his history, back from the dead. Kyo met his eyes, and Ruki touched them uncertainly.
'You don't have to—'
'I know.'
Carefully Kyo eased himself off Ruki's body, lying down next to him instead, his chin propped on his hand. He stared at him for a moment before closing his eyes and giving a strange, husky sort of laugh.
'This is insane.'
'Well...' Ruki shrugged awkwardly, 'so are we.'
Kyo smiled wryly. 'Correct.'
'Do you want to stop?' Ruki asked, his heart beating high in his chest, and there it was: Kyo was meeting his eyes again, that strange, intense stare that made him feel like his whole body was suddenly full of blood.
'I don't know how to go on,' he said in his hoarse voice. It was a confession, but he didn't sound ashamed; his eyes were blazing and they took Ruki in from top to bottom.
'Have you ever...?'
'No.'
'But you...' Ruki found himself blushing furiously, 'Touch yourself and stuff, right?'
Kyo raised an eyebrow, and suddenly the two of them were laughing – not the tense, rough sort of laugh Kyo had given earlier, but real honest laughter, young-sounding in the dim light. Companionably, Ruki rolled closer to him and they kissed; gently this time, affectionately. He could feel himself smiling like an idiot against the other man's lips, but he didn't seem to be able to stop.
'Yes,' Kyo told him in a quiet, amused voice, 'I touch myself.'
It was an unfamiliar feeling, Ruki thought, lying there with somebody less experienced than he was. Eiji had always taken the lead; Ruki hadn't even had to think. It had always felt like a luxury, not having to make decisions, but now that the ball was in his court it felt strangely freeing; more than that, it made him feel strangely powerful. He nudged himself closer to the older man, not kissing him but simply pressing his lips against his jaw, filling himself up with the taste and smell of his skin; he ran a hand down his body and touched tentatively between his legs. He felt rather than heard the hiss of Kyo's breath then, and he dared to press more boldly, his fingers finding the shape of the other man through his clothes.
He bit his lip, curling his fingers gently. His eyes flicked up to meet Kyo's, their gazes equally dark but equally anxious, and before he could stop himself he blurted, 'I've never done this before, either.'
He didn't really expect the other man to understand what he meant, but it was true: he'd never spent time looking at and slowly exploring somebody else's body; he'd never lain there with the breathing room to figure out what he might want to do to them; how he might feel about them. It was astonishing, the bolt of lust that went through him when he touched like that, tentative but growing surer; Kyo made a soft noise and Ruki felt it all the way through his body. His own dick twitched between his legs, and he felt Kyo's hand gently curve around his hip. It neither pushed him away nor pulled him closer, but it made him braver; brave enough to slip his hand carefully beneath the waist of Kyo's pants.
He thought how weird it was that he had never done this; that he had no flesh memory of this. Could it really be true? Kyo's cock was hot against his palm, hard, and the angle was awkward with his clothes in the way. Fumbling, Ruki managed to wrap his fingers around it and rub his thumb lightly across the tip, smearing the small bead of moisture he felt there. Kyo took a sharp breath in, his grip tightening briefly on Ruki's hip, and Ruki felt that warm hand push uncertainly at the waist of his own pants, tugging them down along with his underwear – just a few inches, but enough. He felt cool air against his hot dick, and then Kyo's hand was on him, stroking cautiously.
'Kyo...'
He mumbled the other man's name against his neck, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. After all this time, to be touched by somebody else was overwhelming; he felt his free hand fist itself uselessly in the bed sheets and he bit down on Kyo's skin to stifle a moan. The older man's touch wasn't cautious for long, and Ruki felt a shiver seem to pass through his whole body as Kyo's strokes became more confident; as he started to vary his pressure and push his thumb up against the head of his cock: he wants to make me cum. He's trying to get me off, right now.
Why hadn't Eiji ever done this? Kyo's hand was big and felt so much stronger than his own; it felt so much more exploratory and intimate than his own ever did, and the thing that really made Ruki feel like he was coming undone was that he could feel how completely the other man was concentrating; how carefully he was taking in Ruki's every gasp and moan and every desperate push of his hips, learning how to make him feel good.
Kyo's other hand found his hip again, pressing on it until he rolled onto his back, and suddenly the other man was over him again, looking down at him with those intense dark eyes. Slowly, watching Ruki closely for any negative reaction, he gathered up the younger man's wrists in one hand and pressed them into the bed over his head, laying his body out: chest and belly exposed where his shirt was rucked up around his armpits; dick flushed and pushing straight up where his pants had been pushed down below his hips.
'Is this all right?' he asked quietly, and Ruki gave a dizzy nod. Kyo kissed his lips hard and then his free hand returned to his dick, stroking it faster now and pulling the noises from the Ruki's throat, the combination of that hand on him and those dark eyes fixed on his face almost feeling like too much to bear, because how had Kyo known? It had been what had attracted him to Eiji in the first place – the thought that this older man could pin him down and be dominant; the thought that he could make him give in. Something between them had always been slightly off, though – something about the way Eiji's authority had always been so absolute, and so cruel sometimes, because even if Ruki wanted to be taken he didn't want to be humiliated – but now, lying on his back and pressed into his own bed, Kyo's fist tight around the head of his cock, he almost felt it click into place: what he wanted, what the difference was. Eiji would never have looked at him with that question in his eyes, with that are you okay? written all over him. He never would have watched Ruki so closely for every flicker of reaction; never would have used that information to push him right up to the edge the way Kyo was doing; would never have pressed down so hard and yet touched so gently, smelled so much like a lover, looked so much like a friend.
Ruki realised that he was moaning the other man's name over and over, and bit down on his own lip harshly. His hips were bucking upwards into Kyo's hand no matter how he tried to stop them, and he flung his head back and arched because it all felt so good. This, more than anything, felt like losing his religion, and the thought in his head was so clear and pure he couldn't bring himself to get worried about it: of course this is it. Of course I'm gay.
This is the way I want it to be.
This is what I want.
'Kyo,' he gasped, 'Kyo, I'm gonna—'
'Cum,' the other man said, his voice almost a growl, and as if it had been an order Ruki cried out, his hips snapping upwards as he emptied himself over Kyo's hand and forearm. Gently, the hand that had been holding Ruki's wrists in place retreated, and Kyo settled himself back on the bed beside him, lying on his side with his cum-spattered hand held carefully up off the sheets.
It was stupid, because Ruki didn't know what to say. Hesitantly, he pulled his pants back up. He caught the uncertain look in Kyo's eyes, the sudden worry there, and shook his head wordlessly.
'That felt better than it's ever felt,' he said unsteadily. His chest was rising and falling in a jagged, uneven way, and he took a deep breath, trying to calm it down. The sight of his own cum on Kyo's hand made him blush, and the older man gave him a tentative smile. 'Sorry,' Ruki said, annoyed at how breathless his own voice was. He cleared his throat. 'You're still hard, I...' he slipped a hand between Kyo's legs, squeezing lightly, but Kyo's fingers closed around his wrist and stopped him.
'I'm not ready,' he said gently.
'Oh.'
Kyo rolled onto his back and shrugged, resting his cum-covered hand on his own stomach. 'I wanted to do that to you,' he said in his hoarse, mellow sort of voice, 'But I'm not ready to be touched yet.' He paused. 'Sorry.'
Ruki smiled. He turned his head to catch the other man's eye and Kyo smiled back at him; it was tired, but it was warm and sincere, and just looking at it Ruki felt something weird, like a fluttering sort of feeling in the pit of his stomach.
'Life is strange,' he mumbled, hardly realising and he was speaking aloud, and Kyo gave a single nod.
'Correct.'
'I'm sorry I...I'm sorry I shut you out.' Ruki paused, staring back up at the ceiling, 'It was wrong.'
He felt Kyo give another shrug next to him: 'It was understandable.'
'No, it wasn't.'
'Yes, it was. I'm not looking for forgiveness. I don't deserve to be forgiven.'
'Don't you?'
'No.'
'Why not?'
Kyo was quiet for a moment, apparently struggling to put his thoughts into words. 'What's lost can't be born again,' he said finally.
'Maybe it can,' Ruki said carefully. He felt Kyo shoot him a quizzical look, and shrugged, 'Weren't you the one who wanted to be reincarnated?' There was a silence in which Kyo didn't say anything, broken up only by the birds singing outside, so he soldiered on: 'Why would you have to wait until the end of your life to have that happen? You can remake yourself any time. We're all supposed to be doing it right now. Getting better. And...' he hesitated, 'Some of us will, and some of us won't.'
He cast Kyo a sudden, serious sort of look, 'But I think I will. And I think you will, too. If you want to.'
He couldn't understand the glance Kyo gave him, then. But the older man reached out and took his hand, and they lay that way for a long time.
The sky was grey by the time Kyo left, and Ruki was half asleep. The birds were loud, but it was soothing; he heard starlings chattering and the swooping calls of the swifts and the distant sound of a skein of geese passing overhead, heading someplace warm. He felt the other man's weight leave the bed and he blinked blearily against the greyish dawn light. He was so tired that Kyo's shape was little more than a blur, and he closed his eyes again as he felt a hand stroke the hair back from his forehead. Very gently, the older man placed a kiss there.
'I need to go back to my room. If we're caught like this—'
'Don't go.' Ruki pulled his head away from the pillow groggily, blinking.
'I have to.'
He knew he was being stupid, but he felt a strange twitch of panic at those words. He tried to pull himself further upright, but he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, guiding him back down.
'I'll see you at breakfast,' Kyo said, and something in his voice made it sound very significant. Ruki squinted up at him, trying to read any sign of a lie in his eyes.
'How long is that?' he asked at last, relaxing, and Kyo snorted.
'About fifty minutes.'
'Good,' Ruki said sleepily. 'Promise you'll be there?'
Pause. 'Yes, I promise.'
Ruki nodded tiredly, snuggling further down into his pillow, and he heard as Kyo quietly walked away and closed the door behind him. It felt like the corridors around him had been quiet for hours; he wondered if Shinya was sleeping peacefully in the isolation room; if Aoi and Die had pushed their beds together again; if Uruha had slept in his own room or tucked in with them, where he seemed to belong.
Ruki rolled onto his side, facing out into the small room, and he opened his eyes to take in the sight of Kai's empty, lonely-looking bed. If he concentrated, he could almost pretend that he could hear the crackly hiss of Kai's little radio amongst the sound of the birds; it was as if he was out there somewhere with them, only hidden by the trees or by the early morning mist, smiling and tapping along to his favourite songs, humming because nobody could ever tell him to cut it out again. It was so easy to believe that Ruki couldn't help smiling, feeling as though he was half dreaming and half awake; if there was any possibility that reincarnation was real then Kai couldn't possibly have become anything but a bird. Something with a great flock, his kin all around him; something dipping tail and bobbing head; building nests to live in; shedding vibrant feathers; something soaring up into the sky, heading somewhere with no storms; heading somewhere warm for the winter; heading somewhere safe – something taking wing, free at last and singing joyfully.
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