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solongsun It rained hard the entire day.
Ruki sat on the chair in Sato's office, his elbows propped uncomfortably on the overstuffed arms and a cigarette burning slowly between his fingers, staring out of the window. Every so often there would be a flash of lightning on the horizon and, a moment or two later, an answering rumble of thunder. The sky was so dark that all the lights were on, and the room looked small and yellowish.
'It's been a difficult week,' the doctor said, and Ruki didn't bother to dignify that with a response. He took a long pull on his cigarette and let the smoke furl out of his nose and mouth.
'I'd like to talk about Kai, if you don't mind. I know it's a painful topic, but I'd like to know what your primary feelings towards him are.' Sato paused. 'Towards him, not about him. There is a difference. I'd like to know what you would say to him if he was sitting here in front of you.'
'I'd say oh shit, a ghost,' Ruki said sarcastically, and Sato managed to refrain from sighing.
'Do you feel sadly towards him? Angry?'
'Sad, I suppose,' Ruki said grudgingly, 'And – guilty.'
'Guilty, hm. What's behind the guilt, then?'
Ruki shrugged loosely. 'I didn't guess what he was going to do,' he said in a monotone, 'I didn't wake up while he was doing it. I didn't save him. And...'
'And?' Sato prompted, and Ruki looked down at his cigarette thoughtfully.
'We both tried it,' he mumbled, 'The same thing. But only he succeeded.'
Sato was quiet for a moment whilst Ruki picked at the skin around his thumbnail. The rain was streaming down the window so thickly that everything outside seemed blurred and unreal, like the whole world had become an abstract painting. Inside, the lines seemed unsettlingly solid.
'Guilt is natural,' Sato said finally, 'Though not deserved, in this case, of course.'
'But I...'
'You didn't do anything,' Sato interrupted him frankly. 'He did. He did it. Not you.'
'But it's not fair.'
'No, of course it's not fair.' He paused, rubbing at his upper lip, 'Do you remember the conversation we had about society; how society is really just a short name for a set of rules that everybody has to follow?'
Ruki gave a flinch-like nod.
'Well, this is one of those rules, I suppose – perhaps the most important one – that life isn't fair. Of course it's reasonable to try to make life as fair as possible, and to open yourself up to changes that make life fairer, but on the whole it's one of the rules of society that we have to accept: life isn't fair. And it will never be fair.'
'So what's the point?'
'Of society?'
'Of life.'
Sato shrugged. 'You tell me.'
'But I don't know.'
'But you must have found some kind of point, Ruki. Do you realise how much you've improved, over the past few months? Do you realise how much healthier your behaviour patterns have been? How well you're coping with Kai's death?' Sato leaned back in his chair, regarding him almost with disappointment, 'No, it seems like you don't. And that's fair enough. It isn't easy to become well, Ruki, but it comes down to two things: treatment, and will. You have the treatment, and now I think you have the will, as well.'
Ruki stared at him dumbly. He took a drag of his cigarette and let the smoke sting his eyes. The image of Kyo rose like a ghost before his eyes, and he shook his head slightly to clear it.
'I started drawing again,' he muttered.
'That's wonderful. And?'
'And...' Ruki traced his thumbnail around his cigarette filter, 'I think when I get out, I'm gonna go back to university. I'm going to try, I mean. Because I think...' he bit his lip, 'I was thinking about it, and I think if I tell them what happened with me, they might let me back in.'
'I can certainly write a letter suggesting they do,' Sato said gently. 'I have a connection with a rather notable professor.'
Ruki's eyes leapt to him sharply, his heart performing a painful sort of squeeze in his chest. Hope and fear shot through him in equal measures, making him feel instantly sick; he gripped the arm of the chair tightly.
Don't be Eiji.
'Who?' he managed to ask.
Please don't be Eiji.
'Iwamiya,' Sato said, eyeing Ruki curiously, 'Takeji Iwamiya, the photographer. Of course I don't know what influence he exerts at the university in particular, but...' Sato trailed off, rubbing his thumb along the neatly trimmed edge of his moustache, 'Ruki, you've gone very pale. Is there a problem?'
'No.' Ruki shook his head limply.
Sato hesitated. 'I'd like to discuss your future plans with you further,' he said. 'Particularly in regard to where you'd like to live – with your parents, I mean, or in a dormitory, or alone – and how you're going to keep yourself mentally well in a less structured environment.'
'Uh huh,' Ruki said, but it was no good. His hands shook, and he gazed out of the window fixedly until he felt he could steady them.
It was stupid, he was aware it was stupid, but it seemed suddenly bizarre how long it'd been since he'd actually been in the same room as his former lover. Eiji wasn't like the others who had gone; Eiji was still alive, still living his life in Osaka, and once Ruki had been closer to him than he had been to anybody else.
It felt crazy that a person who he'd had sex with – a person who had actually been inside Ruki's body, holding onto him and panting with him and cumming inside him – just wasn't seeing him any more.
The more he thought about it, the more insane it seemed. Crazier than anything going on around him; Eiji doing those things with him and one day saying that Ruki was too young for him and they had to stop.
He wondered why he hadn't thought to point out that Eiji had considered him old enough when they'd first started, and that had been almost two years ago.
He supposed he'd just nodded along to it and accepted all along that it was a lie.
But wasn't that weird?
He felt, suddenly, as though if he heard one more lie like that in his life then he'd explode. It was that thought that had him walking quickly down the corridor, his breath coming out of him in harsh little gusts, and knocking on Kyo's bedroom door rather harder than he would have done normally.
It opened, and he found himself being assessed by Shinya's mild, level gaze. That took the wind out of his sails a little. He took a breath.
'Hi,' he said lamely. 'I wanted to speak to—'
Behind Shinya, Kyo was sitting in that strange hunched-over way he had, his shoulders hard against the wall and his weight balanced on the small of his back; he regarded Ruki for a moment and then got to his feet, stretching out his body.
'Hi,' Ruki said a little breathlessly, and Kyo nodded back at him.
'Hi.'
'I wanted to ask you a question.'
'Fine.' He waited, and when Ruki didn't speak, he carefully asked: 'Your room?'
Ruki nodded wordlessly, and the two of them set off down the corridor. He knew he should have been worrying what Shinya would think, but he couldn't seem to bring himself to; instead he just opened the door to his own dorm and nodded Kyo inside. A little uncomfortably, the other man sat down on Ruki's bed, and Ruki let himself drop down next to him. The rain was louder in here, at the back of the building. The hills surrounding them had no outline through the washed-out windows; they just bled straight into the sky.
There was a snap of their lighters and a pause whilst they both lit up cigarettes. All Ruki's bluster was gone, and he felt stupid. Having Kyo sat on his bed just made him think of what had happened the last time they were both lying on it, and he felt embarrassed: apart from Kyo's clear-headed do you regret what we did? they hadn't talked about it, and they hadn't so much as held hands since that odd, otherworldly night. He wondered if Kyo was thinking about it, too, and felt instantly hotter. He touched his cheek surreptitiously and found it warm under his hand.
'You had a question,' Kyo stated, sounding quite calm, but his posture was rigid. Ruki eyed the smoke trailing from the tip of his cigarette.
'Yeah. I...was just thinking.'
'Mm.'
'I was thinking about Eiji and how...I don't know, about how he lied to me. Saying he loved me, when...' Ruki shrugged jaggedly. 'You know, he didn't.'
Kyo gave a single, silent nod, and Ruki puffed desperately on his cigarette. He tried to think of what he could possibly have planned to say: do you like me? Could he really have been planning anything that childish?
'Why did you kiss me?' he asked instead, awkwardly, and felt rather than saw the way Kyo's body seemed to tighten up. Lightly, the other man rubbed his fingertips between his eyes.
'Sorry.'
'No, I...' Ruki bit down on his own lip hard, 'I wanted you to. I think – I think I really wanted you to. But I just wanted to know why.'
Kyo tipped his head back, studying the ceiling. 'I like you,' he said plainly. 'It felt like the right thing to do.' He took a drag from his cigarette and exhaled bluish smoke towards the ceiling. 'I often want to kiss you.'
Ruki's heart started to do a strange thing, beating fast and up very high, like it was lodged right in the back of his throat. He swallowed painfully.
'When you said you weren't ready to be touched...' he said, trailing off awkwardly, and saw a wry sort of smile twitch at the corner of Kyo's mouth.
'I'm scared,' he explained, his voice quite matter-of-fact. Ruki shifted, crossing his legs.
'I was scared the first time,' he said quietly. 'Actually, I was scared the first few times.'
Kyo's expression adjusted itself slightly. 'Good scared, or bad scared?' he asked, and Ruki didn't have to ask what he meant by that. He forced a smile onto his face, made himself shrug.
'Bad scared.'
'I'm sorry.'
Kyo studied his hands for a moment. 'I think I'm good scared,' he said.
Ruki wasn't sure who moved first. It seemed like as one they both glanced over at the door, checking it was closed, and then suddenly Kyo's hands were around his waist and they were falling together on the bed, foundering for purchase in amongst the rumpled sheet and blanket; the stupid obstacle of the pillow, which Ruki shoved unceremoniously to the floor. He rolled and he was on top of Kyo's body, kissing him fiercely; kissing the breath out of him. His lips tasted just the same as they had last time; felt the same, like the real thing.
So it had really happened.
The hand on his waist adjusted itself slightly, slipping under his T-shirt and moulding itself to his skin. He found himself leaning into it, urging it higher, and his lips left Kyo's and started to press against any patch of exposed skin he could find; the other man's cheeks, his jaw, his neck. He could feel his cock starting to stiffen and so he lifted himself up awkwardly, bracing himself on his knees, and Kyo moved his head back to look at him.
Not for the first time, Ruki felt like that look could make him do anything.
The hand that had been around his waist slid up to just below the neck of his T-shirt, made a fist in the fabric and pulled him gently but insistently back down. His dick ground against Kyo's thigh and a soft moan slipped out from his lips. Gently, the older man kissed him. Their lips brushed, sticking slightly, and he felt Kyo give a small sigh against his skin.
His body felt so warm. He pushed a hand up under Kyo's T-shirt, running it over the hard muscles in his belly and up over his chest; he felt a stiff nipple under his fingers and pressed his lips to the base of Kyo's throat, feeling rather than hearing the gruff little sound he made.
'This all right?' Ruki asked quietly.
'Yeah.' Kyo's voice was husky and his hand found his cheek, stroking there before sliding into his hair, twining into a handful of it and cupping the back of Ruki's neck. His arm was strong around his waist, holding him; he made some small shift and they gasped together, feeling their bodies slip into alignment, Ruki's cock pressing hard against Kyo's. The older man pushed his hips up experimentally and Ruki let his head drop into the hollow between Kyo's jaw and his shoulder, finding comfort in the familiar scent of the skin there.
Why did it feel so different, so completely different to being with Eiji? It was the first time he'd felt his nervousness disappear so entirely under a different emotion; lust, fierce as an animal, tearing through him and making his hands shake, making him scrape his teeth against Kyo's collarbone and bite down when the breath caught in the older man's throat. Kyo moaned lowly, and the sound shot through him like electricity. His hands made helpless fists in his clothes. He bit Kyo's lip, tugging at his T-shirt.
'Can I take this off?'
In answer, Kyo simply gripped Ruki to him and sat them both up, and after a moment of struggle they managed to get it off him, dropping it forgotten onto the floor.
There was a weird look in Kyo's eyes then, an anxiety being burned up by whatever blazing heat was inside of him. He leant back on one arm, the other steadying Ruki where the younger man was straddled over his lap, and carefully Ruki pressed a soft kiss to his shoulder.
Just a kiss, but it made him shiver. Ruki's eyes flicked upwards, checking for some protest, but he found none; Kyo's eyes collided with his, almost crackling with heat, and Ruki trailed his lips lower: shoulder, collarbone, chest. He kissed the nipple he'd slid his hand over and ran his tongue over it experimentally, feeling the leap in Kyo's chest where he sucked in his breath harshly; at the same time, the dick pressed hard against Ruki's own gave an excited twitch. His breath catching a little in his throat, he slid a careful hand down between their two bodies, feeling the shape of the other man through his clothes, hard against his palm.
Every muscle in the other man's chest tightened, and Ruki pulled his hand away quickly. He set it carefully on Kyo's shoulder, instead, and felt Kyo's touch fall away from his hip.
'Sorry,' he muttered. He sort of rubbed his own hand over his chest, like he wanted to cover himself up, and Ruki stroked his hair gently.
'That's okay.'
A little awkwardly, given the erection straining against the front of his pants, he climbed off Kyo's lap and settled next to him instead. They looked at each other a little uncertainly, and slowly Kyo put an arm around Ruki's waist and guided him back down to lie on the bed, turning him so they were pressed together back to chest, Ruki facing the wall. He could feel Kyo's heart beating fast, he realised, against his spine; and the hand around his waist stroked his belly lightly before slipping down the front of his pants. Kyo's warm fingers curled around his cock, and Ruki bit his lip, his eyes falling closed.
'You don't – you don't have to—'
'I know.'
A pair of warm lips kissed his neck, his jaw, and as Kyo's hand began to stroke him they brushed over his ear, making him shiver. He felt Kyo smile as his lips brushed over Ruki's ear again, much more deliberately but no less gently, and then a soft tongue was licking lightly at his earlobe, teeth scraping against it just lightly.
'K-Kyo—'
The angle made him wonder if this was how Kyo touched himself, teasing the head of his dick until he felt like he couldn't take it any more and then stroking down the length of it: as soon as he thought it the image seemed to come to life behind his eyelids, and he moaned softly. He wondered if Kyo ever put his own fingers inside himself, the way Ruki had done once or twice when he was feeling particularly needy and desperate, and his hips jerked forward of their own accord. He felt the head of his dick nudge against Kyo's palm, smearing precum there, and his breath got caught up dizzily in his throat.
'Ruki?'
'Yeah?' he gasped. The hand on his cock slowed for a moment, a light fingertip trailing just gently over the tip, and Kyo's other hand pointed up at one of the postcards Ruki had affixed to his wall.
'What's that?' Kyo asked, his voice deep and his hot breath tickling against Ruki's neck, and Ruki had to bite his lip until he was sure he had control of himself.
'It's—' he gasped as Kyo's thumb rubbed a slow, firm circle on the underside of his dick, 'It's a Nash painting.'
'Nash?'
'Paul Nash,' Ruki said, screwing his eyes shut tightly, 'It's called Winter...it's called Winter Sea.'
'What do you like about it?'
'I like...' Ruki shivered, clutching behind him at Kyo's hip reflexively, 'the lines. The shapes. What he's done with them.'
'What's he done with them?' Kyo asked, voice low in his ear, and Ruki opened his eyes, forced himself to concentrate on the painting even as his lips opened in a gasp and his fingers tightened against Kyo's skin.
'He's looked at it,' Ruki explained brokenly, 'And it's a sea, and those are the shapes it makes, and he's seen them, but it looks like concrete. It looks rigid. There's movement but it's all frozen, like it's been petrified.'
'Why?'
'He painted it after the war. The first world war, I mean. He was...he kind of had a breakdown.'
'And that one?'
Ruki moaned, his hips pushing up against Kyo's fingers. 'That's Klimt. Beech Forest.'
'What do you like about that one?'
'The colours,' Ruki panted, his hips bucking up into Kyo's hand almost against his will now, his fingernails digging into the other man's skin, 'It's so – I don't know – it's so golden. It's like a celebration, but it's so lonely at the same time; it – fuck, Kyo, I can't concentrate when you're doing that!'
The laugh he felt ruffling the hair at the back of his neck was wonderful: happy enough to feel young and free and to kill some of the terrible tension that had been lurking inside of him ever since Kai had died and everything had got so fucked up; low and close enough to send a jolt of lust all the way down his spine and straight into his cock. He groaned, feeling Kyo's lips trailing over his ear again, the tip of his dick slippery against Kyo's skin.
'I'm close,' he mumbled, 'I'm really close, I—'
He felt Kyo move beside him and suddenly he was rolled onto his back, and he had the briefest feeling of a body over his own before Kyo was pushing his pants down and his legs apart, lowering himself between them; his eyes met Ruki's and, slowly and deliberately, he ran the tip of his tongue all the way up his dick. When he got to the tip he lapped delicately at the tiny bead of moisture he found there, and Ruki fisted his hands tightly in the bed sheets, one leg bending desperately up at the knee.
'Please,' he said, his voice almost a whimper. He wanted to watch, but he couldn't help but let his eyes fall closed as Kyo's lips closed softly over the head of his cock, sliding all the way down its length until Ruki was deeply buried in his hot, wet mouth.
It was overwhelming: not just the feeling, but the knowledge that he was actually inside him; it made his head fall back and his knuckles whiten; made his whole body shake with the effort of not thrusting up into Kyo's mouth. He felt Kyo's tongue flatten against him and then god, the way Kyo sucked him: Ruki cried out hoarsely, his hands flattening against the bed helplessly, and he felt himself spilling into Kyo's mouth before he even had time to gasp a warning. Cumming, he felt dizzy; he arched his back to lessen the temptation to push his hips up, and he didn't really have time to register the cold air against his cock before Kyo's lips were kissing him all over; his thighs, his hips, his belly. He panted, one pale arm thrown over his eyes, his thoughts incoherent; he felt a gentle hand slide beneath his back and just about had the presence of mind to lift his hips off the bed so Kyo could pull his clothing back into place. He heard the sound of the other man putting his T-shirt back on, and then the bed dipped slightly as Kyo settled himself cautiously back next to him.
Moving his arm, Ruki blinked at him dazedly. Grabbing a handful of his T-shirt, he pulled Kyo to him, crushing their lips together. When they finally parted Kyo was looking pretty undone himself, Ruki though – cheeks flushed and lips blurred – and carefully, he reached out and smoothed the other man's hair down. He realised a little belatedly that he'd been tasting his own cum on Kyo's mouth, but he couldn't bring himself to be freaked out about it. He smiled, and just about caught the small smile Kyo gave him in return before the other man was turning him gently back onto his side, so he faced the wall again.
'What's that one?' that low, steady voice asked into his hair, and Ruki smiled.
'That's Frida Kahlo. It's called The Broken Column.'
'Tell me about it,' Kyo said quietly, and Ruki did.
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Going through my older fic, I think I'm actually better at writing stuff that's a little kinkier. I had a yakuza-oriented fic that's sadly just too long to rewrite/revive, and the central relationship in that had a mental power dynamic going on, but it was so fun to write. Lots of begging, teasing and humiliation...maybe my next fic needs to support some more kink!
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The smut scenes you write are so perfect, because even though they're HOT, they're also very emotionally satisfying. And once again, as soon as Ruki notices Kyo's discomfort, he backs off. Kyo asking questions about the art while in the middle of pleasuring Ruki was amusing; I wonder what made him do that.
[BTW, playing stalker on your other comments, if you ever decided to go back and finish or rewrite the House of Cards series, I would love to read it.]
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House of Cards...oh boy. It's crossed my mind, but it's so long, I don't know where to start! There's a lot in it that I do like and a lot that I don't think is particularly great, so it would need some very heavy editing. I genuinely loved writing that Kyo/Toshiya pairing though. Hmm...
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House of Cards was more than 70 chapters, wasn't it? That would be a VERY big project. I wouldn't blame you if you'd rather not.
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