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solongsun Since early childhood, Kaoru has been using doors to travel backwards and forwards through time: a motion he is sometimes able to control, and sometimes not. At the age of 22, he opens a door to the long-ago autumn of 1996 and finds something he never expected – a man who, decades before Kaoru's birth, seems to know exactly who he is...
He's asleep, but he's not asleep. Something happens and it's like opening his eyes, but not exactly. It's more like opening the eyes inside his mind.
It's entirely white, and there's no feeling of his bed or the sheets around him; he's wearing his sleepwear, he's pretty sure – underwear and a T-shirt – but his body feels oddly formless, like the most solid kind of ghost; like he's made of smoke. He walks forward, but there's no feeling of floor beneath his bare feet, and there's no feeling of limitation: no walls, no ceiling, not even any sky; just that endless white.
And then the door.
He walks towards it mechanically. With one hand he touches its smooth surface; traces his fingertips over the metal hinges. Feeling stupid, he gets down on his knees – a weird sensation without a floor, oddly like falling – and tries to peer beneath it, but of course all he can see is white.
When he dreams of the door, it's often different. He remembers being a kid and having it look like his bedroom door, or like the front door of his house, and sometimes wild shapes like the trunk of a tree or a gravestone. Now that he's twenty-one, those odd shapes are less frequent. The one constant through the years is, of course, the brass doorknob; just slightly duller and more scratched up now than when he was a kid.
This door isn't one he recognises, he thinks – or perhaps it is, but from where, he can't say. It's cheaply made, an unconvincing veneer over chipboard, and when he gives it an experimental tap it sounds hollow and insubstantial. There's a lock on it – not a modern one, a more old-fashioned kind that's obviously made for a metal key – but that doesn't bother Kaoru; he knows it will open for him. The door always opens for him.
It's irresistible, like an itch. He places his hand on the doorknob and gives it a slight turn, feeling the click of the latch from somewhere within the door. What happens at this point? For all the times he's done it, he's never really felt sure: does he step through or get pulled through? Does he walk into a new place, or does the place grow up around him?
The door opens, and he's rushed into the daylight.
He's quiet. Blinking sleepily, he rubs his eyes. He can hear traffic noise, faintly, and the sound of running water.
He lets his hands drop from his face and lets them settle lightly against the door he's just walked through, his back pressed against it. It's an apartment, a tiny studio apartment, with two single beds – one made, one not – and a solitary window throwing a bright patch of sunshine onto the floor. He's been here before, but it's different in the daylight. He runs a hand through his hair, feeling where it's ruffled and messy from sleep; he glances down at himself and wishes he was wearing something more appropriate.
His heart is going too fast, and he tries to take deep breaths.
He waits until the sound of water cuts out, and then it's a few more minutes before the bathroom door opens; a huge billow of steam unfurls from it and, as if produced from the mist, there appears a tall, skinny young man with a towel around his waist. His hair is soaking, sticking to his face and neck and shoulders, and his skin glistens and has a warm glow to it; it must have been a hot shower.
Kaoru makes some small noise, and Toshiya jumps slightly. He almost loses his grip on his towel but clutches at it, pulling it more firmly around his waist; he pushes wet hair back from his face and gives Kaoru a gentle smile.
'Hi,' he says.
'Hi,' Kaoru echoes woodenly. Toshiya's standing still, dripping all over the floor, and now that he's recovered from his momentary start he looks calm, completely unfazed by the near stranger who's just materialised in his apartment. His face has a look like he's trying not to smile too much or too widely; he's not being very successful. Kaoru presses his hand a little harder against the wall, reassuring himself of its solidity.
'Sorry for how I'm dressed,' he says uncomfortably, and there's that look on Toshiya's face again: like he's fighting against a grin and the grin is winning.
'I don't think I'm in any position to criticise your clothes.'
His voice is warm and despite his nerves, Kaoru smiles. 'I suppose not.' He hesitates, fighting the urge to cross his hands protectively over his groin. 'You don't seem surprised to see me.'
It's odd, the look Toshiya gives him: like he's never loved anything quite so much.
'You told me you were coming,' he says softly.
It takes a lot of effort; not thinking about how weird that is. For a moment Kaoru just stares at him quietly, trying to get his mind to accept what Toshiya's telling him: it's not as if he's never seen himself in the future, of course – he can cope with that without having a minor freak out, mostly – but the idea of his future self talking to Toshiya, talking about him, is weirder than he can really say. It's only when he remembers that Toshiya's still hanging onto his towel that he realises that the intensity of his stare is probably bordering on rude, and he hastily turns to face the wall.
'Sorry,' he mutters, 'You can get dressed. I won't look.'
There's a pause. 'Thanks.'
Facing the wall, he hears Toshiya drop his towel; hears the gentle pad of his feet on the floor as he moves around, rummaging through drawers. It's strange, the effect it has – knowing that he's naked, completely naked right behind him – and Kaoru bites down on his lower lip as he tries to stop his mind from wandering where it shouldn't go: last time he was here, and the feeling of Toshiya's clothed erection pressing against his hip; the feeling of the other man's lips on his. He can hear clothing slipping over bare skin: the first man he's ever touched. The only man. His hands shake a little, and he wishes he had pockets to jam them into; in just his underwear and T-shirt, he feels vulnerable, and he wraps his arms around himself a little miserably. His heart won't slow down its frenzied hammering, and he feels a little sick.
'Here.'
He jumps at the hand on his shoulder and turns: Toshiya's in front of him, fully dressed now and with his wet hair roughly combed through. He's holding out a soft bundle of clothing, which Kaoru accepts gratefully. 'They're my smallest jeans,' Toshiya says, an apologetic tone in his voice, 'If you wear a belt with them and roll them up, they might be okay.'
'Right,' Kaoru says, feeling oddly breathless, 'Thanks.' He hugs the bundle to his chest but makes no move to start dressing, and Toshiya gives him a curious look.
The clothes smell like him; his skin, the scent of whatever laundry detergent he uses. Kaoru studies them, resists the urge to lower his face into them and smell them; they smell good. They smell familiar in a way that they shouldn't; not when he's only met this person once before in his life. They trigger a memory he doesn't quite have; something that slips away from him when he tries to hold tighter to it. Slowly he begins sorting them, stepping into the jeans whilst Toshiya tactfully turns away and busies himself with something – they're much too long, but Toshiya's hips are pretty skinny, so the fit isn't dreadful.
'How old was I?' he asks, feeling awkward about the silence even though Toshiya seems perfectly comfortable. He turns, meeting Kaoru's eyes, and Kaoru hastens to fasten the jeans over his crotch.
'You were fifty-six,' he says casually, and Kaoru's fingers fumble the job.
'Fifty-six?'
'Mmhm.' Toshiya smiles at him, a different sort of smile than earlier – it's a little more sensual, a little more secretive.
'I've never...I haven't met myself that old yet.' Kaoru extracts a sweater from where it's become tangled up with a belt and tugs it over his head, appreciating the brief moment of having his face hidden.
'It's a good age for you,' Toshiya says softly. Kaoru makes a face.
'It's so old.'
'It's really not,' Toshiya laughs, 'You look good. And you're pretty...' embarrassed, he does a vague sort of gesture. 'Pretty energetic,' he finishes lamely.
'“Energetic”?'
Toshiya raises his eyebrows and Kaoru blushes hard, suddenly grasping his meaning. Ducking his head, he focusses on putting on the belt, tugging on it rather hard than necessary. Toshiya clears his throat quietly.
'I'm not sure if you're hungry,' he says a little timidly, 'But I thought we could go out to eat. I don't have anything to do today, and...' he hesitates, 'You told me it might be a little easier if we kind of pretended that I haven't known you all these years.'
Embarrassed as he is, Kaoru smiles at that. 'First date?' he asks.
'More like a second date,' Toshiya says, looking nervous. 'You have spent an evening with me already.'
'Yeah.' Kaoru stuffs his hands into his pockets, getting some reassurance from the habit. Awkwardly, he shrugs his shoulders. 'I'd like to go and eat with you.'
The look on Toshiya's face is so relieved that Kaoru seems to feel it in his chest, like the other man has touched him; smiling like that, he looks so happy and young and bright that it almost hurts, and that's why Kaoru blurts what he does: 'Since last time, I...'
Toshiya looks at him questioningly, and he lowers his head, staring down at the floor. 'I sort of haven't been able to stop thinking about you,' he confesses, his voice quiet but very clear.
There's a silence, then. The traffic seems very loud outside. Kaoru stares fixedly at the ground as Toshiya's feet pad softly closer, and then a large hand tangles its fingers with his own. Kaoru glances at his face and finds the expression unreadable, sad and hopeful and happy all at once, and he gives the fingers nestled against his palm a gentle squeeze, not really sure what else to do. Toshiya seems on the brink of saying something, but then he sighs softly and forces his mouth into a smile.
'Let's go and get some food, yeah?'
So they do. They walk the twenty or so minutes from Toshiya's flat up to Dotonbori, which is weird because it looks like the Dotonbori of the 2040s but also not; the neon signs are still flashing but they're different, and the whole place has smells that Kaoru hasn't experienced since his childhood – petrol cars, meat cooking. Toshiya leads him quite confidently into an okonomiyaki place where they sit at the bar side by side, and when their food is ready and they start eating he laughs at the expression on Kaoru's face – the wide-eyed wonder as his chopsticks relentlessly seek out pieces of pork.
'Fuck,' he whispers, letting his eyes fall closed, 'I'd kind of – I'd forgotten.'
'Meat?' Toshiya grins at him boyishly, 'I know. You go crazy for it.'
'So this was deliberate?' Kaoru says, but he can't even fake being annoyed; he pops in another mouthful and chews blissfully.
'Yeah, I planned it,' Toshiya teases, leaning forward on his elbows, 'I wouldn't dream of feeding you anything else. It's better than the artificial stuff, huh?'
'Much better,' Kaoru says enthusiastically. He takes a sip of beer and straightens up, attempting to drag back a little of his dignity, 'It's not that the artificial meat is bad. It's just...different. Not just the flavour; the texture or something. I'm not sure. I guess even when you're used to it, at the back of your mind you know it's just plants and ground up insects.'
'Mmhm,' Toshiya says smugly, and Kaoru shoots him a look.
'I think you're enjoying this a little too much.'
'It's fun seeing you all blissed out. No more worried frown.' He grins, and Kaoru gives him a bashful smile back.
'I get a frown line in a few years' time,' he says, 'I know.'
'You do.' And it's sexy, Toshiya wants to add, but he bites it back, taking a long swallow of his beer instead. The problem that's starting to present itself is that it's kind of sexy watching Kaoru eat, too, seeing the pleasure on his face and hearing his little groan of enjoyment. Toshiya drains his glass and sets it down on the bar, trying to calm himself. He can feel Kaoru's eyes on him, and his cheeks steadily redden as the older man refills his glass for him.
'I've been worried,' he says quietly, his deep voice sending a little shiver down Toshiya's spine. 'About last time. I...I wasn't exactly great to you. I didn't handle things well. I'm sorry.'
Toshiya smiles at him, resists the urge to take his hand. 'I didn't go easy on you,' he says softly.
'Did I get you in trouble at your work? I mean, you just left with me in the middle of your shift, and...'
'Oh,' Toshiya laughs, shaking his head, 'Yeah, but don't worry about it. It's not as if being a bartender is my life's ambition. It doesn't matter.'
'So what is your ambition?'
'My band,' Toshiya says simply. 'I play bass, and...we're good.'
'What are you called?'
'Dir en grey.'
Kaoru smiles. 'I like it.'
Toshiya smiles back at him. 'Yeah, me too. We need another guitarist. We keep auditioning them, but...' he kicks the rungs of the stool he's sitting on lightly, 'Nobody's been exactly right yet. I know it sounds stupid, but I know the right person is out there. We need someone to...I don't know, pull us together. Lead us.' He smiles, but it's sort of serious, 'Somebody more disciplined.'
'It doesn't sound stupid,' Kaoru says gently. Toshiya knocks their knees together.
They talk a lot over their meal, staying on for a few beers after the food; they talk about their childhoods, about Toshiya's band, about music. It's slightly discomfiting for Kaoru, thinking that Toshiya has probably heard everything he's saying before, but the other man doesn't look bored; instead he's leaning towards him, his gaze steady and his dark eyes shining, a small smile tugging at his lips.
By the time they leave, the winter sky is beginning to darken. On the canal the tourist boats are still cruising by, lit up now, and on the opposite bank an opportunistic girl band in home made outfits has set up a small amp and started performing Blondie covers, the sound of their voices ragged and enthusiastic in the chill air.
'So is this a regular second date with you?' Kaoru asks, and Toshiya shrugs as he wraps his jacket tighter around his skinny frame.
'Why, are you enjoying it?'
'Yeah, I am.'
Toshiya looks at him, and his eyes sort of soften. 'I don't go on dates,' he says gently. 'There isn't anybody but you.'
The words settle between them in a way that's not entirely comfortable, and Kaoru bites his lip, buoyed up by the few beers he's drunk.
'Was I your first?' he asks tentatively, hating himself for sounding so abrupt. There's a short pause.
'Yeah, you were.'
'Right. And...' Kaoru rakes an agitated hand through his hair, 'I just...was it okay? I mean—' nervously, he bounces a little on the balls of his feet, 'Was it all right for you?'
Toshiya snorts. 'Are you kidding? It was incredible. I was a horny teenager; you made me cum in about three seconds.'
'You were a teenager?'
Toshiya glances over at him quickly, catching the worried frown on his face again.
'I was ready,' he says in a firm voice. He reaches out for Kaoru's cheek, stroking it a little as he tilts the other man's head up to look at him, and their eye contact holds for a moment before Kaoru breaks it again, looking down at the ground as he nods miserably. Carefully, Toshiya takes his hand.
'I was ready for a long time,' he says, gentler, 'And you made it perfect for me.'
He can tell that Kaoru's still anxious, but he's trying to smile. When he's worried like this he looks older, the type of age Toshiya is more accustomed to seeing him at; it makes him want to wrap his arms around him and pull him close, but he's not sure what's allowed. Tentatively he slips an arm around Kaoru's back, and there's just a moment's hesitation before the older man leans into him, his own hands resting lightly on Toshiya's waist. Toshiya lets his cheek press against Kaoru's head; breathes in the familiar smell of him.
It's funny, how many different places that smell can take him to. It can turn him on, fling him right back to being an adolescent, young and nervous and full of enthusiasm, wanting Kaoru to take his clothes off, wanting Kaoru to touch him; it can take him back to his most frightened moments of childhood, the times when Kaoru would always seem to appear and make it better. A snowy night, being held. Eight years old and slipping whilst climbing a tree; the way the ground seemed to slam into him and how gentle Kaoru was when he touched him, feeling for broken bones. The memory of those hands making their methodical way up his legs makes him feel flushed, now, his cock not hard exactly but feeling heavier between his thighs, more sensitive; a sensation in his stomach like one touch could make him fall again, back into helplessness and into the sheer sensual joy of being touched.
He was never touched enough, he thinks, when he was a kid; but then there was Kaoru. He squeezes him tighter and feels those small, familiar hands rub soothingly against his back, between his shoulder blades. He closes his eyes.
'Kyo's away,' he says, wincing at how indelicate he sounds, 'He's away the whole week; he's in Kyoto. Would you...I mean, you don't have to, but...' he trails off as Kaoru pulls back far enough to look at him, and he sighs softly. 'Come back with me,' he says, blunter. 'Please.'
The older man doesn't answer, but he squeezes his hand, and they set off together through the wintry streets.
For Kaoru, the world feels like it's in layers.
It's the kind of thing that could drive him crazy if he doesn't force himself to relax and not question it; the way the hand of this near stranger feels so right in his own, so familiar; the way Toshiya's smile makes his knees feel weak and starts an odd fluttering sort of feeling inside his belly, as though he's unravelling. Impossible to understand: how a stranger can feel so much like a lover.
That's the confusing thing: the way the world is not just set into layers but the way those layers are blurring, running over and into each other, like Kaoru's remembering things that haven't happened yet. Toshiya tangles their fingers together and he sees it like a flash: their bodies together in a bed, Toshiya's hair tickling his neck and his chest; he catches a flash of his teeth as he talks and sees that same mouth stretched into a grin, a stupid, love-me grin, Toshiya standing next to him on a tiny footbridge that Kaoru's sure he's never seen in his life.
He closes his eyes for something longer than a blink, letting Toshiya lead him up the stairs to his apartment. It's disorienting, the layers, the blurring. Much easier to not try to hold onto it, to give up on understanding – much better to let go.
Toshiya unlocks the front door of his apartment and they're quiet as they set about taking off their shoes and shedding their jackets. They hesitate then, facing each other, and Toshiya takes a tentative step back towards the bed, lightly pulling Kaoru along with him. The older man bites his lip, his cock stirring despite himself; he takes a deep breath, not wanting to get turned on. He's scared what it will do to his judgement.
He's also aware, dimly, that he might not have much of a choice. Apologetically he pulls his hand out of Toshiya's, and the younger man smiles sadly.
'I have no idea,' Toshiya admits in a small voice, 'How I'm supposed to get you to fall in love with me. I know it happens, but I don't know how.'
'I'm not even sure if I'm – if I go that way, honestly.'
'“That way?”'
'If I'm gay or not,' Kaoru says awkwardly, but when Toshiya makes a little gesture towards him, he opens his arms and allows the other man into them. Toshiya smiles against his skin, placing a soft kiss against his neck.
'You're gay,' he whispers, 'I promise.'
'But I've slept with girls, and...I've never – you know – with a guy.'
'Have you ever wanted to?'
Kaoru bites his lip, feels Toshiya's soft hair against his cheek.
'Sometimes,' he says quietly. He traces a hand carefully up the line of Toshiya's spine, reaching up until his fingertips brush against the back of his neck. The skin there is soft and slowly Kaoru pushes his hand further upwards, tangling his fingers in the warm weight of Toshiya's hair. He feels it more than hears it as Toshiya's breath does a little hitch in his throat, and he pretends not to notice when the younger man's hands slip just an inch or so beneath the hem of his borrowed sweater, tracing over the bare skin there lightly.
It's just a small movement to bring their lips together, their cheeks brushing before their lips do, just softly. Kaoru feels nervous, his body tensing a little, but his hands tighten a little on Toshiya's waist and the back of his neck, not really pulling him closer but keeping him in place. Unable to keep it in, Toshiya sighs softly: Kaoru's lips are so familiar; their delicate shape, their softness, even their taste, underneath the slight tang of beer. He feels the older man's breathing as it starts to stagger itself unevenly, coming out higher and quicker; their bodies press closer together and Kaoru's tongue presses just briefly at Toshiya's lower lip, making him groan.
And it's weird to kiss him this young; to have it be so similar but so different all at once – Kaoru nervous again, tentative again; uncertain again. Kaoru's teeth nibble slightly where his tongue has just been and Toshiya feels a whimper escape his lips; he clutches harder at Kaoru's skin, sliding one hand up over his chest, and with a noise that seems to come from the deepest part of Kaoru's throat the older man squeezes him tight, pushing him back against the wall, where something cold digs into his back.
He squirms, turning, and they see it together: the brass doorknob protruding from the otherwise normal wall of Toshiya's apartment.
He licks his lips, panting slightly; tastes Kaoru on them. He runs a finger lightly over the doorknob, fascinated; his other hand takes Kaoru's and squeezes his fingers, hard. For a moment his chest feels tight because it's too soon for Kaoru to go; it's not fair. He wants so much of him – wants all of him, even when he can't have it. Wants to take him over to the bed and push him down and fuck him, or be fucked by him; wants to kiss him and go down on him and end up in his arms when it's all over. Wants to be held, the way that only Kaoru has ever held him. Wants to feel safe like that again.
Stupidly, tears prickle in his eyes, and he looks sharply away. He feels a gentle hand on his cheek.
'Just because it's here,' Kaoru says unsteadily, 'It doesn't mean I have to go.'
Toshiya looks blindly up at him; sees where his lips are red from their kisses. He reaches out to touch them and hesitantly Kaoru pulls their bodies back together again.
'I want to stay,' he says nervously, 'If you want me to. I...' he struggles, trying to figure out what he's trying to say without sounding presumptuous, 'I don't think I'm ready for...much more than this. Not yet. But I want to stay with you. I – I want to lie down with you. I...'
Toshiya interrupts him with a kiss, more intense than what they've shared so far; Kaoru falters against him weakly.
This time, when Toshiya takes his hand and leads him towards the bed, he follows.
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