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solongsun 'I simply don't know what to do.'
The four of them shivered in the predawn chill as the head nurse stared them down. Her appearance was slightly rumpled, her face puffy and free of make-up, her hair only roughly combed under her hat; it was just past five o'clock and she was never normally here at this early hour.
'It seems there is nothing I can do – no punishment – that will sink in for you men. I had assumed the majority of the bad behaviour on this ward was due to Aoi's bad influence, but...' her words trailed off meaningfully. With a small sigh, she took off her small, rimless spectacles and began to polish them neatly. 'So, you have me at a loss, men. How can I punish you? Restricting your grounds privileges and your clothes privileges doesn't seem to work; cancelling your visits doesn't seem to work. What can I do to impress upon you that this behaviour is utterly unacceptable?'
Next to Ruki, Toshiya sneezed quietly into his cupped hands. They sat in the dining room, a strange and abandoned-looking place at this early hour, all crowded around the same side of the table; it reminded Ruki forcefully of being sat in here with Kyo, the day they'd stayed out so long in the rain.
'We only wanted to see him,' Die argued stubbornly. 'What's so unacceptable about that? He's our friend.'
'Stealing keys, Mr Andou? Running around unchecked? Picking locks? That – disgusting display from the three of you when you were found? You think these are all appropriate behaviours?'
'No more inappropriate than him being up there in the first place,' Die said defiantly.
'Mr Andou, are you a doctor?'
'No, but—'
'Do you have any psychiatric training?'
'I don't need—'
'Then I'd suggest that the staff here know a little bit more about—'
'You're electrocuting him as a punishment,' Die said in a loud voice that seemed to ring a little off the walls, like an echo. The head nurse's expression didn't change, but her interlaced fingers tightened a little.
'Any more outbursts out of you,' she said serenely, 'And you will be in the isolation room for a very long time, do you hear me?'
'Fine,' Die said hotly. 'Punish me; I don't care. It was all my idea anyway; I just dragged everybody else along with me.'
He glared around at them quickly, as if forbidding them to argue.
'I read a medical journal about ECT,' Uruha said quietly. He swallowed three times in a row, apparently having to force it; his teeth were bloody where he'd been chewing on his lip, and his eyes were focussed wrong, as if he was looking at something far beyond them all. He was tapping the table softly with his index fingers, twelve times with the left and then twelve times with the right. He took a sharp breath.
'You're not supposed to use it,' he said, 'Unless the person is really depressed, or they're psychotic, or they're catatonic. And Aoi isn't any of those things.'
'Uruha,' the nurse said patiently, 'Where on earth would you have got hold of a—'
'Dr Sato leant it to me,' Uruha stumbled on, concentrating furiously on the table in front of him, 'I like to read about it. About psychology. I like to know.' He looked up at her miserably. 'When I know, I don't have to count so much.'
She didn't seem to know what to say to that. Uruha bit down on his already torn lip, his fingers tapping harder against the tabletop.
'And I think you know,' he added, his voice softer than ever but eerily distinct in the late night quiet, 'I think you know all that. I think – I think that you only put him up there because my dad said to. But he's not a doctor.'
He frowned suddenly, harshly. 'He doesn't know anything.' He paused. 'I hate him.'
There was a nasty sort of silence; nobody seemed to know quite what to say. Even the head nurse seemed surprised, wringing her fingers in a gesture uncharacteristic for her. Shoulders hunched, Uruha gritted his teeth and clenched his bandaged fists.
'He hurts my friends,' he said quietly, 'And if he comes near me again I'm going to kill him.'
'Uruha!' The nurse cleared her throat, smoothing and resmoothing her uniform, 'Uruha, you – you'd better just go on to bed. You're completely overexcited, and I know emotions have been running high tonight, but that's absolutely no excuse for this behaviour.'
She waited, but he remained in his seat and stared at her blankly.
'Uruha, now. Get into your room, please.'
His face turned a little uncertain. 'No.'
'Uruha, you can either go into your bedroom of your own accord or you can be escorted into the isolation room.'
'I thought I was going in there,' Die said, leaning forward over the table tauntingly, 'You can't just give away my space, nurse.'
'Yeah,' Toshiya said, a sly grin curling around his lips, 'That's not fair.'
'You did sort of promise,' Ruki added.
Stupidly, Toshiya's little grin had set him off: he couldn't seem to stop the smile from tugging at his lips. He glanced over and saw Die blatantly reach out and take Uruha's hand, squeezing his fingers lightly, and he had to push down the laugh that threatened to escape from his throat. He couldn't explain why he felt so suddenly elated; at least, not until he watched Uruha shyly bump the back of his hand against Toshiya's, linking their fingers together; not until Toshiya turned to Ruki, grinning wider now, and slid his long fingers around his palm so the four of them made a chain.
He was smiling so hard he could have cried because it was back, he realised: that thing they had lost when Die had gone and Aoi had been sent away upstairs; that basic sense of togetherness, of belonging – the feeling that they could be closer than family; of forming a closed group, being all each other had.
'And you know,' Toshiya said, 'I actually think I should be the one to get the isolation room. I don't want to brag or anything, but I was the one who stole the keys, and the one who picked the lock.'
'No, I think I should get it,' Ruki piped up, 'Because I didn't contribute anything to the team effort. That's not proper therapeutic engagement, is it, nurse?'
'What about me?' Die argued, scandalised, 'The whole thing was my idea in the first place!'
'I was the one who said we should give the nurse sleeping pills,' Uruha said stubbornly.
'But I actually did it.'
'Look, the room is mine. I'm the newest.'
'That doesn't mean anything.'
'She promised me!'
As his friends bickered and the grin grew wider on his face Ruki wondered why he'd never thought of it before: how odd it was that, when he'd first got here, he'd never once even tried to connect with any of the nurses or the orderlies – had simply taken it for granted that it wasn't an option; that they weren't his people. In a place where sane and insane were supposedly so starkly divided, he had thrown his lot in firmly with the insane, and it had turned out to be the right choice.
And there was nothing, he thought, no madness at all that could make him change his mind about that. Anybody could be crazy on paper; anybody could have times when they felt completely out of control, or so sad they could die; anybody could have times when counting things made them feel better and calories seemed like an impossible burden and voices from inside started talking over the voices from outside.
He seemed to hear Kyo's stark, hoarse voice in his head: how do you know the things you see are the same things everybody else sees? You have dreams that feel real. So how do you know you've woken up?
You didn't, he realised. You never knew; you never got to know, not really. You just had to trust it.
It was the strangest feeling: as if some cumbersome part had suddenly clicked into place in his mind or some dreadful obstacle had simply melted away into the ground. He had to talk to Kyo – he had to talk to him so badly that he felt breathless with it. He had to say that he was sorry, and that he'd been wrong, and if he could manage it without losing his nerve then he wanted to try and say how beautiful he thought the other man was; how much he'd missed him, and how much he didn't ever want to miss him again. The feeling was so strong that it drove him to his feet before he even knew what he was doing, and the head nurse's face took on a flown-apart expression of panic, and as Ruki headed blindly for the hallway she ducked, covering her head, as though he was about to strike her.
It was bizarre then; looking at her, and suddenly seeing himself as she did. He saw a young man with his eyes burning, his jaw tight and his fist clenched; he saw a person with a fight in him and he understood, instinctively, why she had flinched back from him and why she staggered out into the hallway now; why she screamed aloud as two white-uniformed orderlies closed in on him. He saw himself snarling, his teeth bared as he fought against them because they didn't understand; they didn't understand how desperately he had to get to Kyo, and how it felt like even a single second might make it too late.
None of them understood how it had to be now, and he had the impression of observing himself coolly from the outside as he punched and kicked and writhed in their grip. He saw the flash of the needle and struggled harder, his teeth snapping as he bit out at them; he felt his own throat rip and ache as he yelled Kyo's name as loud as he could.
A bruising hand choked him off mid-cry, and he wheezed. He came up against a pair of angry black eyes and gasped pointlessly, his chest aching.
'You've got to calm down,' the head nurse said shakily, patting her hat into place, 'Oh, Ruki, you need to behave. Isn't that so?'
The needle was already sticking in his upper arm, he realised; he hadn't felt it go in. He could feel his muscles starting to slacken, though, and when he tried to throw the orderlies off they allowed him to half lunge and half slump to the floor.
'Damn it,' he said brokenly; it felt as though the word was being forced out through shards of glass. 'I have to talk to him.'
His arms felt like lead but he gritted his teeth and pulled himself forward, his body sagging against the floor. He could hear people shouting, dimly; their words echoed incomprehensibly around his ears. He blinked and the world dimmed, the lines growing blurry, and he felt his eyes fill with tears.
'But I have to,' he said.
I don't care what you told me
You're gonna say you'll hold me...
He blinked and something murky swum dizzily in front of him.
Yes you're gonna say you'll love me
'Cause I'm gonna love you too...
His body and jaw and cheek were resting against something soft and spongy that felt as though it was going to pull him in. He could hear music that sounded as though it was coming from very far away, as if the main force of it was being somehow siphoned off; it reached him through a high static whine that made him screw his face up. When he tried to make a sound, it came out strangled and unrecognisable, and the vague dark shape in front of him seemed to sway.
'Ruki?'
A tear slipped from his eye and down his cheek; he felt it go. The shape turned into a collection of shapes, all cracked apart like a kaleidoscope, that gradually resolved themselves into a fuzzy human.
'Easy,' the face part of the shape said, and as Ruki blinked the image sharpened itself into Toshiya, his face grim with concern. 'Just lie still for a bit, will you? You've been out for hours.'
The radio said another fine addition to our Buddy Holly tribute, I'm Gonna Love You Too, first released as a single in 1957 and one of the standouts from Holly's eponymous— and then Toshiya snapped it off.
'Sorry,' he said. His clumsy, long-fingered hand found Ruki's forehead and rested there as though checking him for fever.
'I'm not sick,' Ruki said, but it came out so garbled he couldn't possibly see how Toshiya could understand.
'Why the hell did you run at the head nurse like that?' Toshiya muttered, stroking Ruki's hair back from his face, 'You went completely berserk. You looked like you were going to eat her.'
'Not her,' Ruki said in a gritty voice, and swallowed hard. His throat ached. 'I wanted to get out. I wanted to—'
He sat up suddenly and the whole world sat up with him, swaying uncontrollably; he clutched blindly and found Toshiya's hands filled his, keeping him upright.
'Kyo,' he said urgently, 'I have to talk to him, I have to tell him, I have to—'
'Calm down,' Toshiya said firmly, half guiding and half pushing him back down onto the soft surface, which turned out to be his own mattress, 'Shut up for a minute.'
Ruki glowered, but did as he was told. He watched as Toshiya sighed.
'You've been out for over a day,' his roommate told him plainly. 'I don't know what the hell they shot you with but it got you good, you idiot. You really...you freaked everybody out, Ruki.'
He realised what he was hearing, then; a sort of shake in Toshiya's voice, like he was trembling.
'I have to tell Kyo,' he said, speaking as clearly as I could, 'That I'm sorry. And I have to explain. Now.'
'Ruki, you can't now.'
'Yes, I can. Help me.' Grimly he started trying to push himself up off the bed, and almost growled in frustration when he felt Toshiya's hands pushing him back down. They were gentle, but insistent.
'Get off! Help me, please.'
'You can't speak to him now,' Toshiya repeated, more firmly. 'Don't you remember anything of what happened?'
'Happened? I...no. Just the orderlies, and...'
Above him, Toshiya's face seemed to drop, and he bit down lightly on his full lower lip.
'You remember screaming Kyo's name?' he asked gently, and Ruki felt the bed he was lying on dip and sway softly as Toshiya sat down on the edge of it.
'I...maybe.' Ruki swallowed painfully; felt his throat rip itself open along the wounds he'd put there. 'I remember.'
'You remember him coming out of his room?'
'He heard?'
Toshiya's face was still twisted with worry, but he snorted.
'I think the whole fucking place heard you. How can something so little be so loud?'
'Fuck off,' Ruki said quickly, 'He heard?'
'Yeah, he heard. He came out, and when he saw what they were doing to you...'
'Doing?'
As soon as the word left his lips, a heavy throbbing ache seemed to sink into his spine, and he rolled over agonisingly. 'Fu-uuuck.'
'You don't remember them hurting you?' Toshiya asked quietly, and Ruki gave his head a rough shake.
'No.'
'It was scary, Ruki.' He paused, and to Ruki's surprise, he felt one of Toshiya's warm hands tangle itself up with one of his own cold ones. 'It was that orderly with the hairy arms; I don't know his name, the one that Aoi got with the cigarette between the eyes. He kicked you...in the back, the side maybe, I'm not sure. It was fast. But Kyo saw and he kind of...'
Toshiya faltered, his fingers squeezing Ruki's tight. 'I don't know, but he kind of went crazy, Ruki. He didn't say anything, he didn't make any noise at all; he just went and grabbed that guy by the collar, and he hit him – he really hit him, Ruki.'
Numbly, Ruki stared at the ceiling, and Toshiya sighed.
'I don't know what's going to happen,' he said lowly. 'After it was all over, I saw the head nurse take that orderly off, and he was bleeding. His mouth...he was holding some of his teeth in his hand. I don't think we're gonna see him again.' He bit at the skin around his thumbnail agitatedly. 'As soon as they got them apart, Kyo knelt down next to you, but I guess you were out of it already. I couldn't tell if you were looking at him or not. But...'
He paused so long that Ruki glared, and Toshiya bit at his thumb again. 'They injected him with something and dragged him off,' he said hurriedly, 'Kyo – they put him in the isolation room. And it's been...'
He trailed off again, looking distinctly upset; he didn't seem to be able to meet Ruki's eyes. 'It's been horrible,' he finished finally, his voice just slightly higher-pitched than normal. 'It's soundproofed, or it mostly is, or it's supposed to be...but we could hear him yelling in there. I suppose...' he interrupted himself painfully, 'I suppose he might have told you about his – about why he's here?'
Ruki's heart thumped too hard; he felt sick.
'He's told me,' he said, 'How do you—?'
'I don't,' Toshiya stopped him quickly, 'Just...bits and pieces, now. Something about people being dead; something about a sister. I don't know, it wasn't the kind of thing you could follow – Ruki!'
He snatched at him as Ruki struggled upwards, but he wasn't quick enough; his hands closed on empty air as Ruki took one step onto wobbling legs and fell forward, landing so hard on his fists that he felt the teeth rattle in his head. He dragged himself forward, forcing his legs to cooperate; like some awful ungainly creature he managed to get himself up onto his knees and pull at the doorknob.
Nothing happened, though, and he sank stupidly to the floor.
When he opened his eyes again, it was with the impression that several hours had passed. The sky floating hazily outside the window was a reddish colour, and Toshiya was holding a book in his hands. He was positioned in a way that Ruki couldn't understand – the book was hovering almost directly above Ruki's own face, and Toshiya's stomach and chest seemed weirdly placed – until he realised that he was lying with his head in his roommate's lap. There was warmth all around him, and he could hear the other man's breathing and his slow, steady heartbeat.
'Toshiya,' he said, his voice just a little croaky, and immediately the book disappeared.
'Hi. Are you okay?'
'Yeah,' Ruki said uncomfortably. '...Did you drag me up here?'
'What, instead of leaving you in a puddle in front of the door? Yes, I got you up here, but I didn't drag you. You're easy enough to pick up, you know.'
Ruki closed his eyes. Behind them, a headache throbbed queasily. His whole body felt strangely stiff and distant, as though he was lying on a bed of nails.
'The door,' he said, almost not wanting to hear Toshiya's answer, 'What's going on?'
'I tried to tell you,' Toshiya said nervously, 'I was getting to it.'
'Toshiya,' Ruki said warningly, and his roommate sighed.
'It's locked,' he said. 'We're locked in. From what I understand everybody is; the whole ward.' He bit his lip. 'That was their solution, you see. Only one isolation room, so...they just made every room an isolation room.'
'But you and me are in here together,' Ruki said numbly, and Toshiya shrugged.
'We're the only ones,' he reminded him. 'Die's alone, Uruha's alone; with Kyo in the actual isolation room both he and Shinya are alone.'
'But – meals.'
'We ate in here. I mean I ate; they fed you. You don't remember, huh?'
Ruki shook his head dumbly.
'How long for?' he said, and heard how his voice came out in a whisper. Above him, Toshiya smiled sadly.
'Until the lesson sinks in,' he said.
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