The 20th Century Boy: 3/??

[solongsun]

Title: The 20th Century Boy

Author: solongsun  

Rating: mature

Bands: Dir en grey

Pairings: Kaoru/Toshiya

Since early childhood, Kaoru has been using doors to travel backwards and forwards through time: a motion he is sometimes able to control, and sometimes not. At the age of 22, he opens a door to the long-ago autumn of 1996 and finds something he never expected – a man who, decades before Kaoru's birth, seems to know exactly who he is...

He opens the door and the scene changes, and it's too late to go back.

'Fuck!' Kaoru's cigarette falls from his lips as he curses, sizzling when it hits the deep snow clumped on the ground, and he pounds against the wall he has evidently just walked through harshly, 'Fuck, fuck!'

The sky is dark, and the snow whirls silently around him; his voice echoes off it strangely. 'Damn it,' he says finally, a little lamely, and takes a few steps backwards. Even if he's been here before he doesn't recognise it; everything is white or black and the snow is so thick he can hardly see two metres in front of him. The night is still, windless but incredibly cold, so cold that every new breath he takes feels like it's cutting his throat, and he wraps his arms around his body tight. When he left it was summer – early June 2045 – and he's wearing only jeans and a T-shirt on top; a T-shirt that's quickly getting soaked through by the snow and starting to feel damp and icy against his hot skin.

Shivering, he lights up another cigarette, wondering where the fuck he is and how he's supposed to get out of here. He can feel the snow gathering in his hair and he hunches his shoulders inward, starting to walk because there's really nothing else he can do.

 

The ground slopes steeply uphill, and he struggles; the snow is deep and powdery. He checks the door of every house he passes, but none of them have the brass doorknob, and he has to get so close to the homes to check that he's sure he's making himself look suspicious to anybody who might be watching him from a window – a twenty-three year old man with dyed blond hair, wearing a T-shirt in a snowstorm and looming up to people's houses like some kind of ghoul. If anybody calls the police, he's truly fucked, he thinks grimly.

The path he's walking suddenly changes direction, a hard right, and he follows, foundering badly in the snow and slipping down at least a few inches for each foot he climbs.

It's frustrating, and he's cold as hell, but at least he's starting to get the feeling like some of the structures around him look familiar; he can't make them out well, but there seems to be something about this hill in his muscle memory. He's still mulling it over when a door bursts open surprisingly close to him; he jumps, almost losing his footing. There's a yellow rectangle of light from the open doorway, and he hears a torrent of screamed insults issue from within as a black-silhouetted body darts out in front of it. The door slams shut, and the screaming is suddenly diminished. Kaoru tries to regain his balance.

'Who's there?' says a suspicious voice – a young sort of voice – and Kaoru sighs; he must look a complete idiot, wobbling around out here in his summer clothes.

'Hi,' he says uncertainly, stepping forward, 'Don't worry. I'm just lost; I'll turn around—'

'It's you!'

Kaoru squints against the swirl of white. 'I'm sorry?' he says cautiously. What year is this, anyway?

There's no immediate answer, but he hears the shushing sound of somebody walking towards him through the snow; suddenly a face appears, pale and red-eyed and tracked with tears; the face of a kid, weirdly familiar. He dashes the tears off his cheeks impatiently. 'It is you,' he repeats to himself, giving Kaoru an appraising look, 'I remember you.'

'Look, kid—'

'Kaoru,' the kid says, and something clicks into place in Kaoru's mind, sudden and neat as a machine.

'Toshiya?' he says incredulously.

'Yeah.'

 

He's wearing an overlarge coat – it looks second hand – and a long scarf looped haphazardly around his neck; his face is a little older, and his limbs look like they've gotten quite a bit longer in a small space of time.

'Toshiya, shit.' Kaoru hugs himself, lost for words: last time he saw Toshiya he was twenty one years old, curled naked around him on a bed. 'How old are you now?' he asks, hoping his voice doesn't sound as weird as he feels.

'I'm eleven.' Toshiya sniffs and then adds, 'Twelve in three months.'

'What...' Kaoru keeps losing his train of thought, his mouth open in surprise; he's even forgotten how cold he is, 'So it's...1988, 1989?'

'December the twentieth, 1988,' Toshiya says mechanically. He pauses. 'And it's eleven forty-five. At night. So it's nearly the twenty first of December.' He clutches the scarf a little tighter around his throat, and despite himself, Kaoru looks at him appraisingly.

'You shouldn't be out this late.'

Toshiya sighs, a weirdly grown-up look on his face; the breath leaves his mouth in a long white plume. 'They're fighting,' he says quietly.

'Your mum and dad?'

He sniffs again. 'Yeah.' He blinks at Kaoru and frowns. 'Why aren't you wearing a coat?' he asks bluntly.

'Oh, I...kind of left in a hurry.'

'Me too, but I got a coat.' He wriggles one arm out of the hugely oversized sleeve and opens the coat wide, 'You better get in.'

'What? No, I'm okay.'

'No, really.' Toshiya sniffs again, 'It's dangerous. Trust me.'

When did you get so grown up?

Reluctantly, sure this is doing no wonders for his reputation in the event that anybody is watching through the windows, Kaoru sidles towards the kid and hunkers down next to him, pulling his half of the coat carefully around his shoulders. His elbow gets Toshiya in the ribs and he scowls cartoonishly, which makes Kaoru laugh. 'Sorry.'

'So where did you leave from?' Toshiya asks, which wipes the smile off Kaoru's face pretty quickly.

'Huh?'

'You said you left in a rush.'

'Oh...'

Toshiya shoots him an interested look. 'I know it was somewhere like another dimension or a different planet or something,' he says, 'So there's no point in making anything up. I can handle it.'

'You ever hear that children should be seen and not heard?' Kaoru says lightly, but Toshiya's frown deepens.

'That's what they say,' he mutters, pulling his half of the coat tighter around his body.

'Ah.' Kaoru doesn't know what to say to this kid who seems so innocent and jaded at the same time, and he sort of knocks his head against Toshiya's shoulder companionably. 'Grown-ups don't always know what they're talking about when they say shi– when they say stuff like that.'

Toshiya snorts. 'I know shit,' he says as if Kaoru's an idiot, 'And I know fuck, and whore, and bastard.'

'You're kind of young to know those words.'

 

From inside the house there's a sound of something smashing, and Toshiya flinches into Kaoru's side, hiding his face in the older man's arm. He can feel how cold and wet his skin is, from the snow, but it's better than nothing: it's dark, and it's quiet, and it's muffled in the way he needs it to be. He holds his breath tight to stop himself from making any crying-type noises.

'Shit,' Kaoru says under his breath, and he feels a tremulous smile against his skin. Wondering when life got so strange, he puts a tentative arm around Toshiya's shoulders, pulling the kid so he's nestled more into his chest than his bony arm. 'Do they fight like this often?'

'Every night,' Toshiya says in a muffled voice. He pauses. 'I hate it.'

'Do they...do they ever hurt you?' Kaoru asks gently, but Toshiya just shrugs.

'They hate each other,' he says in a blank sort of voice, 'And they hate me, too.'

'They don't hate you.'

'How would you know?'

Kaoru sighs, giving Toshiya's thin shoulders a small squeeze, 'Just trust me.'

'I'll trust you if you answer my question.'

'What question?' Kaoru says dully, a sinking feeling in his chest.

'I want to know where you came from.'

'Oh, right.' Kaoru swallows. 'I came from a city called Ashiya, in Hyogo prefecture. That's where I was born. But more recently, I moved to Osaka, so that's where I came from tonight.'

'In this dimension?'

'Yeah, in this dimension. I don't even know if there are any others.'

Toshiya sighs. 'That's not the truth,' he says in a defeated voice.

'It is the truth.'

'Not the whole truth, though.'

'What makes you so sure?'

'Because you disappeared through the back of my closet,' Toshiya says, his voice suggesting that he's speaking to a total moron; he pulls his head away from Kaoru's chest and looks into his eyes challengingly – there's a shadow of him then, the man he'll become. 'That's why. And I went in there about a million times and I can't do it.'

'Maybe you dreamt it,' Kaoru says uneasily, and Toshiya the child gives him a disapproving look so reminiscent of Toshiya the adult that it leaves him speechless.

Adult Toshiya knows the truth, about the travelling.

Is this it? Is this supposed to be the point where I tell him for the first time; is this when he finds out?

 

Kaoru takes a deep breath. 'Okay, you didn't dream it,' he says bracingly. 'And you can choose to believe this or not, okay? It's the truth, but if it makes you more comfortable, or if it makes you feel a bit happier and safer, you can probably go ahead and think that this is just some more of the stupid shit that adults say. Right?'

'Right,' Toshiya agrees easily.

'The truth is that I'm a guy from a completely normal place.'

'Ashiya in Hyogo, and now Osaka.'

'Exactly. But, since I was a kid – younger than you are now – I've been able to time travel. It's not by choice; mostly it just sort of happens when I walk through a certain door.'

'The door with the brass doorknob?' Toshiya asks uncertainly, and Kaoru gives a single nod.

'Right. That door.'

For a long moment they're both quiet, staring out at the swirling snow. It plays tricks on the eyes; everywhere Kaoru looks, it feels like people are moving towards them. He's conscious of shifting his body slightly so Toshiya is further inside the coat, angled sort of behind him, like it'll protect him from harm. In the cold, silent night air the shouting from the house is muffled but still mostly distinct, and Kaoru understands where Toshiya learnt all those swear words.

'So what year are you from?' Toshiya asks, and Kaoru smiles. He'd half-expected Toshiya to not believe him, despite what happened with the closet, but there it is: he's eleven years old. Young enough to believe in magic still, and in monsters.

'Well, I was born in 2022, and I'm twenty six years old. Can you work it out?'

Toshiya's quiet for a minute. 'You came from 2048?'

'Correct.'

'And you opened a door and you came out here?'

'That's right.'

'Even though you weren't even born yet?'

'Yeah.'

'So am I older than you?' Toshiya asks, his voice utterly confused, and Kaoru grins.

'In this time, no. But in my time – in 2045, I mean – yeah, you're definitely older.'

'In your time I'm sixty eight!' Toshiya says, and this time his voice isn't just confused; there's a hint of panic in it, too. It takes the smile from Kaoru's face; in that moment, he sort of hates himself.

'Hey, Toshiya.' He squeezes him in what he hopes is a soothing way, 'Take it easy, okay? It doesn't have to be scary. You can always say I'm just talking shit, all right? Just grown-up shit. I can promise you that you can say that, and nobody in the whole world will be angry with you for it. Okay?'

Toshiya nods, pressing his lips together, but he's shaking a little; Kaoru's not sure if it's from their conversation or the cold.

'Are you freezing?' he asks gently, and Toshiya gives a little jerk of a nod. 'You should go back inside,' he says in a soft voice, but he knows Toshiya won't agree even before the kid gives his head a stubborn shake. As if to punctuate his silent no, there's another shattering sound from inside the house; Toshiya twitches violently. Kaoru sighs.

'Okay, come here.' He dusts some snow off the low wall around the house and sits on it, pulling Toshiya along with him and wincing at the feeling of ice-cold stone through his jeans. 'Take your other arm out of the coat.'

'Why?'

'Just trust me.'

Dubiously Toshiya does so, and Kaoru opens his arms wide, 'Okay, get up on my lap.'

'You want me to sit on your lap?'

'Yes, I do. You'll freeze if you sit on this stone wall; it's cold as fuck.'

The bad language helps; Toshiya grins. 'But won't you be cold sitting on it?' he asks.

'Yeah, but my body's bigger, so it can hold more heat than yours.'

The logic helps even more: Toshiya climbs up, his body easy and athletic in the way Kaoru doesn't think his own has ever been. Once Toshiya is settled, he pulls the coat firmly around them both.

He's never had a kid on his lap before.

'You have cigarettes in your pocket,' Toshiya says.

He can't think about the future; he can't think of what Toshiya will grow up to be to him. In this moment, he has to be an adult sheltering a child, and nothing more. He grits his teeth guiltily.

At some point, I betray him.

Kid, I'm so sorry for what I do to you.

It's an impossible situation, because he knows that what he is doing now is setting Toshiya up to fall for him later on, and for all that entails – missing him, being left, being disappeared on time and time again.

He can't stop doing it, though – can't walk away from this child and leave him in the snow – because he already loves him.

I'm so sorry, Toshiya.

 

'You know you're gonna have to go home at some point,' Kaoru says after a long silence, and huddled against his chest, Toshiya gives a small nod.

'Not yet, though.' He peers up at Kaoru curiously. 'Do you have to go back?'

'Yeah, of course I do.'

'Soon, though?'

'Well, I don't know. I've never stayed very long in the past.'

'But you have to find the door?'

'Either find the door, or fall asleep. When I fall asleep in the past, I dream I'm opening the door, and when I wake up I'm back.'

'So do you have to fall asleep or find the door right now?'

Kaoru laughs, 'I don't think I have much chance of falling asleep back here. Pretty soon I'll have to go and find the door. Time keeps going on in the present, you see – my present, I mean – so if I don't get back, people will worry I've gone missing.

Like my boss, for example, when he fires me from my eighth job this year.

He sighs, his breath ruffling the hair on Toshiya's head.

'When I go home,' Toshiya says quietly, 'You can come with me and use my closet again. It's still got the same doorknob. That's what you need, right?'

'It's what I need, but I'm not sure if that's safe with your parents in the house.'

Toshiya gave his head a little shake. 'They never notice me,' he mumbles, a little break in his voice, and Kaoru gives his hair a gentle stroke.

'If you want to cry,' he says in what he hopes is a neutral voice, 'That's okay, kid. It doesn't make you weak or stupid, and nobody's going to see it but me.'

'Boys aren't allowed to cry,' Toshiya says in a tremulous voice, and Kaoru smiles softly.

'That's not true in the future,' he says as lightly as he can, 'It's good for boys to cry just as well as girls. If your body didn't want you to cry, it wouldn't make tears.'

'Yeah?' Toshiya says in a muffled voice, but Kaoru doesn't have any time to answer before two strong, skinny arms have wrapped themselves around his chest and Toshiya's small face is pressed just below his chin, sobbing roughly into his neck. His shoulders judder violently, and Kaoru gives his back a tentative rub. They stay like that for a long time, Toshiya crying and Kaoru not sure what to say. His neck feels warm and damp.

'It'll be all right,' he says lamely.

'How?'

'...It just will be, I promise.'

'Grown-up shit,' Toshiya mutters against his skin, and Kaoru laughs softly.

'It's really true this time.'

'I've finished crying now.'

'That's good. You feel better?'

'A little bit.'

It's not as though it makes a sound or anything, but somehow it catches both of their attention; the handle on the door of Toshiya's parents' house, suddenly a round brass doorknob.

Kaoru feels Toshiya sigh slowly against his chest, and he's glad he's eleven and young enough to accept something completely irrational without too much mental damage. The kid slips off his lap, and Kaoru takes off the coat, draping it around him carefully.

'Time to go?' Toshiya asks solemnly, and Kaoru gives a small nod.

'I don't have to,' he says, 'But I guess if you believe in signs from the universe, this could probably be considered a sign from the universe.'

'Right.' Toshiya gives him a small smile. 'Will you come back again?'

'I'm not sure. I don't really get to control where I travel to.' He notes the disappointed look on Toshiya's face and feels like a complete idiot. 'If I end up in your time, though,' he adds quickly, 'I'll try to find you, I promise.'

Toshiya nods, and leads Kaoru towards the front door of his house. Outside, he pauses, fighting the urge to clap his hands over his ears.

'You go first,' he says. 'I want to see.'

'You've already seen.'

'Again.'

Kaoru sighs. 'Promise you'll go in as soon as I'm gone? It's not safe to wander around late at night, especially not when it's this cold.' He gives an involuntary shiver.

'Yeah, I promise.' He motions for Kaoru to bend down, and when he does and they're on the same level, Toshiya presses their foreheads together seriously. When he pulls back he swipes a hand over his cheeks, clearing off the remains of his tears, and gives a little sniff. 'You'll just disappear?'

'That's right.'

Kaoru's hand touches the doorknob, and he sort of wants to say something like I love you, or I'll see you when you're older, but of course he can't. 'It'll be okay,' he says again, lamely.

He opens the door and the scene changes. 

Comments

[solongsun]

Ah, so maybe it is creepy, then! Kaoru's 26 here...this fic is completely out of any chronological order (he's 28 when Toshiya first meets him, so for Kaoru, that hasn't happened yet), but they do get together ~like that~ when Kaoru is younger than 26. I think there's a reference to it in this chapter - it says that last time he saw Toshiya, Toshiya was 21, and that he was curled around him naked on a bed.

So maybe you're creeped out and you hate this now! ;) Which honestly is fine if true. It's a dodgy subject.

[thehamhamheaven]

No, I'm not creeped out. He's in love with adult Totchi, not the little kid (although he obviously loves the kid version in a protective sort of way). If anything, I feel sorry for Kaoru. Falling for someone who may at any given moment be an adult or a child must be frustrating/challenging.